Tired

It's 11:40 pm and I'm just getting home from visiting with my sweet Cayleigh. I despise that I have to refer to time spent with my daughter as visting. Instead, let's just say I was spending time with her. Nah, that doesn't quite cut it either. You get the idea.. no mother should have limits to the amount of time she is in the presence of her 9 day old newborn baby.

Tonight, Daddy stayed home to watch the kids and I took my mom with me. She likes seeing Cayleigh when her eyes are open. Unfortunately, 9:30 pm is rise & shine with the little miss. <3 So we drive, in the dark, in California, Saturday night, into Stockton, into the ghetto...nice area...ghetto...nice.ghetto..hospital. (that's about how often it changes over there) We arrive by 8:50 pm which is just enough time to be able to still park in the parking garage. Otherwise, we would have to park far away. Far away, in the dark, in the ghetto/nice area, in the cold, 9 days post op? Don't make me laugh
We get upstairs and I sign us in. Mom washes up. We walk to Cayleighs room. Room 11. A weight lifts off my chest as I lay eyes on my baby girl. She's got her sunglasses on - you know what the means already (I can't help it )

She's still under the lights. Her billirubin was 10.2 today. It's good, but it needs to be closer to like 8 or under for them to feel comfortable to remove the lights because of her size. They don't want the jaundice to creep back up. Truth be told, if jaundice tried creeping back up I'd have to punch it in the face - well, if it was a person. (sleep deprivation makes you think this way) My mom notices that her sunglasses aren't on her right. The center cut out for the nose is shifted left and her right eyes is open and looking at the light. I talk to the nurse, Emma, about this - she says it hasn't been this way long as she was just with her. She apologizes. She didn't want to put it too tight because it causes marks and bruises on her eyes. She has two little bruised areas around her eyes already. Stupid sunglasses. It makes me not even want to sing the song anymore...almost.

I give Emma, the young, long dark haired, short Asian woman with a very caring demeanor, the breastmilk I'd pumped before I left home. I need stickers I tell her. Every bottle and bag has a sticker with her name, info, etc. This is so they can verify that its for the right baby, etc. Good system. I am confident that Juliette would like this sticker system, she's a big fan of them.

I feel tired. My eyes are tired. My spirit is tired - but unstoppable. I'm physically tired. My shoulders ache. My tummy aches slightly (thanks Viocodin/Motrin) and my feet hurt. Could I complain anymore? Yes, but I won't. I am blessed.

I digress.. Cayleigh gets put into my arms and onto my chest. I want to do skin to skin with her. She sounds really crackly. My mom notices it. She speaks quickly to Emma. Does the baby sound crackly to you? Yes. Emma continues to say that she doesn't think that Cayleigh is being adequately suctioned out. She suctions her every time she has her and even during her hands on time. She gets secretions out. She once suctioned a green mucus plug she got from Cayleighs throat. It made her breathe better literally because she knew it made Cayleigh breathe better. Cayleigh tenses up. I see her O2 go down slightly. I tell Emma to suction her please. Emma takes her from my arms. Emma calls to the nurse in the adjoining room. Can you please bring me an 8mm (I think) tube. Okay, coming. Within seconds another slim, slightly taller Asian nurse comes over and brings Emma the package. I remind Emma that I want Cayleigh back as soon as she is done. She says of course. She takes cayleigh into her arms and lays her sweetly onto her bed (that she just changed)

My mom puts her head down. She doesn't want to watch. I sit for only a few seconds longer and stand. I grab Cayleighs tiny right hand. I stroke her head. It's okay baby. Mommy is here. I love you. Cayleigh is calm. Emma sticks a long tube down into Cayleighs throat. White spit stuff starts to come into the chamber. Emma pulls the tube up into Cays mouth. She grabs another, bigger sucker thing and swooshes it around in Cayleighs mouth. She gets more spit stuff. Emma repeats with the tube thing. Cayleigh stays calm. So sweet. She seems relieved. I feel relieved. Momma is here angel. I love you. You are so strong. Mommy loves you. Bigger sucker thing, swoosh. Tube back down for the third time.. this time, Cayleigh winces. Her face squishes up in her crying face and she turns slightly red. I squeeze her little hand gently. I pray. I tell her she is so good. She is mommys angel. I love her. Emma apologizes to her. Its okay, she says. She's done with the tube now. Stupid tube. She uses the big sucky thing and is satisfied. Cayleigh isn't crackling anymore.

I sit down, relieved. Poor baby. I ask her about Cayleighs X-Ray.
(REWIND: I called to check on Cayleigh earlier. Cynthia tells me that X-ray just left. She said Cayleigh had reflux and that the doctor wanted to make sure her feeding tube was positioned correctly. I feel ill. She's so small. They should have called me. She tells me this is normal. Alot of these babies have reflux. She says that she has inclined Cayleighs bed. She tells me that her personal opinion, as usual, is that the doctor jumped the food intake too quickly. From 18 to 25. She thinks that is what caused it. She says if Cayleigh had reflux she would have already had it by now. She tells me its okay. I hang up with her. Nic asks what is wrong. I tell him..kind of. he calls for himself because I'm just emotionally spent. I don't communicate well. I write and type with an amazing ability because its like I write from third person perspective - I'm telling a story, even though my family are the characters - its just typing. When I try to talk..I get choked up. The X-Ray will be back in about an hour. Ok.)
She tells me that they pulled from 26? to 18. You mean pulled the tube up shorter? She says yes. I ask her if it hurts. She hesitates. She tells me its uncomfortable. My mom chimes in, she's good for that. She tells me that my dad had one of those and it does hurt. Thanks mom.

I have Cayleigh back on my chest. My mom suggests that I rub her back inside the blanket. Why hadn't that dawned on me before? I probably have done it but tonight it seems like a novel idea. I pull the blanket away and begin rubbing her back. Massaging her butt. I tell her I know her back hurts. Mine did too in the hospital. I promise to rub her butt more. I rub her shoulders. Stroke her arms. Kiss her head. Kiss her nose. In my left hand I hold her tiny feet. I stroke them softly. My mom touches Cayleigh too. You can tell she wants to hold her. She just, isnt allowed, and cant because she is just to small and has too many wires. Wires. Ha. I laugh at wires now. HA HA

Cayleigh is awake. Big eyes. I take a picture. I take videos for daddy. I kiss her for daddy. Then, I play the recording of Daddy reading "There's a Nightmare in my Closet" that we made before I left so she could hear him read to her. Daddy always reads to her. Daddy ends the book by saying "that book sucks". I laugh. Daddy tells her he loves her, be good for mommy, suck and swallow. I repeat his words. I kiss her head and tell her its from Daddy. He loves her. I love her.

We sit, I stroke her, she is limp in my arms. relaxed to the point of exhaustion. Its been a hard day she tells me. Ok, she didnt tell me, but I feel it. We're both tired. Holding her is like taking a sleeping pill.. a really good smelling one that you want to hold and cuddle all night. You can't get that over the counter.

It's nearing the end of the time. As I'm stretching Cayleighs relaxed arm I say to her that she needs Yoga. Mom chimes in. Do they have baby yoga? Can we have someone come do baby yoga with her? I give her a look. No mom, I dont think they have baby yoga. But then it hits me. I went to school for massage therapy. I wanted to become a Neonatal Massage Therapist. They are out there. Massage is powerful. God is All Powerful. (Just throwing it in there) It could be great for her. Ask the nurse, mom says. I ask Emma. She tells me that I'd have to ask the day nurse. I say ok. I will hire someone to come give her massages in addition to what daddy and I already do. I feel it would be really good for her. Did I mention I love her?

Emma is back to take Cayleigh and put her to bed. She's sleepy. Momma is sleepy. So is Nonny. I tell Emma (earlier, after the suction thing happened..I'm backtracking folks) that I believe Cayleigh has an undeveloped trachea or epiglottis. She tells me the name of something and it's exactly what I'd looked up. It often coincides with Ventricular Septal Defects. Cayleigh has a tiny one (I have one.) She agrees with me. Her son had something along those lines. He's three and fine now. I feel relieved.

Back to Emma taking my Cayleigh away. I help her put the wires in the right spots. I manage not to tangle any of them (that was for my husband) and I ask Emma to leave the side down so I can kiss my sweet girl goodbye. She says of course. I walk to the side of Cayleighs plastic (temporary) holding bin. I kiss her head. Once, twice, five times. Then once more for daddy. I pray. I love you Cayleigh. I miss you. Momma loves you. I never really leave her. She lays there, Emma comes to her side to finish. I tell my mom its time to go now ...before I dont want to go.

I turn back one last time and look at her. My angel. My world. You're coming home soon baby.

Here is a picture I took of her when I first arrived tonight. Enjoy.... I do.