Today Cayleigh had surgery
This morning Nic and I woke up at 5:30 at my brothers apartment and headed on the Muni bus/train to see Cayleigh. I only pumped for 20 minutes or so before we left. no time for a shower or breakfast. We walked out, in the rain, and thankfully I had an extra hooded sweatshirt in the car because Nic didn't have his and it was cold. The Muni was just pulling around when we arrived.
We got on the Muni and I showed Nic how we pay and get the ticket, that it's good for 2.5hours etc. I go on talking about a variety of subjects because, when I'm nervous, I tend to talk alot. I tell Nic I'm talking too much because I'm nervous. Then I think of Tayla and how she talks alot sometimes. I tell him I think I've realized that she does it because she has something on her mind. I make a pledge to myself to ask her "what's on your mind" when she starts talking alot. At one stop, a long haired, dark blonde lady steps on. I notice her looking at me and Nic alot. She has scrubs on but I have no idea who she is. I ask her how far UCSF is and she says 5-10 more minutes.
We finally arrive at the parking garage in front of UCSF. It seems that everybody on the bus unloaded when we get off. Nic and I grab hands and walk through the garage, across the street and to the Benioff Children's Hospital and head inside.
I don't know how to put into words how I was feeling. It goes something like this:
You carry this baby in your womb for nearly 9 months, give birth to that baby and find out she's not coming home with you, then feel helpless that you can't help her or take the pain away for her or do the tests for her, then find out they want to perform 2 surgeries on your 3 week old, 6 lb 2 ounce baby who 'may be difficult to put under' in the hope to possibly, but definitely not definitely, help her not have bad reflux or desat with As and Bs anymore.
Imagine meeting a sea of faces, each one telling you their name, what they do, if they are a resident or attending or intern or whatever, using words you don't understand and saying things you don't want to hear. They always tell you frightening 'possible' situations or problems, and I understand they just want to be honest - but its mind blowing. They always preface with 'this is minor'...but when you talk about blood transfusions, her not having alot of blood to begin with, them not knowing if things will work, the risk of infections, it begins to become a blur. A total blur
Everything, and I mean everything - every face, every name, every word, every occupation, every test, every result- even things about yourself that you know like what you ate this morning - becomes a total blur. I was asked who delivered her and I shot off the wrong name. ... worse yet, I thought it was right. *sigh*
This all being said, Nic and I were feeling this 'blurred' emotion. It's a hard mix of trusting in God and believing that He is in control and knowing that all we can do is to trust in Him, but still feeling those terrified emotions, hearing those 'what if's' ringing in your head and having that natural helpless feeling you have as a parent of a NICU baby. The blurred emotion combined with very little sleep took an emotional toll on us both this morning.
We got up to see Cayleigh just minutes before the shift change took place. We couldn't hold her because they were going to do shift change soon, she was snuggly wrapped up under the warming thing and was ready to go since 'they'd' (the operating room team) would be calling for Cayleigh soon and we needed to be ready to go. Nic and I walked out while they were doing the shift change. Since the parents lounge was being used by a sleeping mom, we are going to go to the parent lunch room around the corner. I use the bathroom and when I come to the room I see a short, stocky Asian man sitting across from Nic talking. He's wearing purple scrubs. Dr Herosi (her-Oh-see) is the attending surgeon. He starts talking about everything they'll be doing. I don't recall it all, but I remember the 'possible' bad things that could happen. At the end I ask if I can pray with him and Nic & I lay hands on him and pray. After that, Steve (Cayleigh's day nurse today) comes in. It's all a blur but we come around the corner to the elevators just in time. They were strolling Cayleigh into the elevators to go to the Ped Surgery floor. Nic and I got into the elevators with them.
Down we went to the Pediatric Surgery floor and we walked to this small room. To the left, there is a little boy with big eyes and his mom & dad. The little boy is in the surgery bed and we know he's going to be having surgery today too. We are rolled in to the right hand side of the room. The seriousness of it all starts to really hit you. This panic feeling you cant help but have. There are so many people. They all come in and out in turns asking our cell phone numbers, discussing stuff we dont understand, asking us questions and 'explaining' what they'll be doing. As each team comes in, I ask if I can pray with them and then I do. Nic and I stay right next to Cayleigh and talk to her. We stroke her head, pray with her and I sing to her.
The nurses then say we need to get going to surgery. I hug the nurse, Steve, and thank him for taking care of her. Then I break down and start weeping. I walk out and walk down the hall a short way and pray a bit. It's hard.. that's the only words I have for that situation. Nic was whispering to Cayleigh when I walked out. He got choked up saying that "she doesn't even know what's going on". I tell him no to let that thought get to him. I've had it before too and it drove me crazy and I just had to pray through it.
Nic and I decide to keep our minds occupied - and our stomachs full - by going to the cafeteria. We get to the 2nd floor and walk into the huge rooms. I get my food and Nic gets himself a bagel and coffee. The thing that drives me to eat when I cant even fathom it or feel hungry - is that I need to feed my daughter. Even if she isn't breastfeeding right now, she is getting my milk. Since she's only 3 weeks old I've got a long time to go so it's important to try to get all the nutrients she needs. Left to my own devices right now I think I'd rather just sit by her bed all day.
Speaking of which - it makes you go crazy being up at the hospital in the NICU all day. It's not just the stress of your own baby that gets to you. It's the stress, cries of other babies, beepings of machines, noise of nurses and doctors and whatnot talking and then of course the images you won't ever forget like seeing a baby get tubed - hearing a siren and 20 people running because a baby had untubed themself and can die within seconds - watching a nearby babies heartrate soar to 235, the huge machines being drug all around.. its everything together that leaves you feeling more tired than running a marathon would.
I've been at the hospital since Sunday and yet it feels like its been weeks. It makes you feel, as a mother, like you're not a good mother when you just want to get home and sleep in your own bed for a night. But, I know I'm not a bad mother. I know I just need a good nights sleep and to step away from the stress. I've been having a hard time coping with that lately. The stress is unreal. The anxiety is a constant. Both these things catch up to you, no matter how much you pray, and then you physically become susceptible to it running you into the ground. I spent almost 2 hours tonight just trying to get them to take my blood pressure to make sure this feeling of someone physically pushing you down into the ground from up above you. It's crazy and I really hope those go away with enough prayer of my own and from others.
Back to Cayleigh - the surgery went terrific. They had no problems getting the breathing tube in, the laproscopy worked so they only had a minimally evasive surgery to perform and they were done a little ahead of time.
When she arrived back to the NICU she was wide awake. Almost looked in shock. She was shaking from the medicine. I quickly put my hands on her and started singing to her softly, talking to her and keeping her calm. I hate those shakes you get from anesthesia - I had them after the c-section. What works best is someone holding you during them...so thats what I did with her. It also helped bring her heartrate down a bit since it was 190 when we first arrived. She just did, after all, have surgery.
A chaplain was walking by and asked if she could pray with us. We said yes and she did. She then said she would be by to pray for Cayleigh many, many more times too. We thanked her.
While she was standing there, Cayleigh made her whincing face - and when she did that she made about a 2 second long noise that sounded like a really really small cry. The nurse heard it too! We were ecstatic.
She made a few more noises today too. Its baby steps. Good O2, good heartrate, she's perfect. They gave her morphine one time. Started her on some antibiotics, and giving her Tylenol suppositories. She has a little raspiness and they said it was normal and deep from the breathing tube. They said she'll bring that up herself.
So anyhow. its been quite the night - I'm exhausted. Maybe the blog didn't make sense but I didn't reread it or anything. I hope you all understand, I'm just trying to keep you in the loop.
PS Nic called just now and she's still doing great. :) Keep praying
We ask that the Lord give her peace and that she is pain free
we pray the congestion that was a little deep from the breathing tube doesnt cause any problems and resolves itself
We pray she starts making even more noise :)
we pray for no complications, no infections
We pray no more secretions and NORMAL O2 and NORMAL heartrate
We pray for wisdom and compassion in the nurses and doctors taking care of her
Thank you Lord for every breath she takes and for blessing us with her.
BEFORE SURGERY PICTURES
AFTER
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