Special Needs Momma Syndrome

I'm a hypochondriac. There, I said it. I do have a goodreason for that though. It seems that being thrust into the world of raising a special needs child, especially from birth, tends to make one...let's say...overly aware of medical issues. It really, REALLY opens your eyes to every little minute detail of anything the could even possibly be wrong with your child. From the all too common development of thealarmisgoingtogooffwhileiamintheshoweritis to the fear that you'll fall asleep and somehow not hear the alarms. Or maybe that's just me. For me, panic attacks that I'd never before encountered in my life started happening. The onset would be either as soon as I arrived at the hospital doors or the moment I arrived at the ground elevators on my way up to the 15th floor. It's the sights..the images..the sounds that surround you when your little tiny baby is in the West Wing of the USCF Childrens Hospital - where they keep their most critical/complicated cases. They had four wings, with the Preemies in the North and..well..you can probably guess the names of the other two wings. (If not, refer to compass) I would worry from the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep. I'd pray my way through the panic attacks and I'd get angry at anyone who so much as even coughed in my presence. I began carrying hand sanitizer. Scrubbing in became a way of life. Masks- no problem. In fact, I carried masks in my van for the kids when they got home from school because, you know, they're around other kids and other kids have germs. The kids would have to take their clothes off when they came home and change. Noone could be near Cayleighs room when she finally was released. We went nowhere. Bubbleboy? Pssh.. he had nothing on my kid. Fast forward to being pregnant with Noah. Hypochondria & fear set in full swing. Every little thing was an issue. The fear of a 5th csection scared my. The thought of anesthesia not working {again} horrified me. I panicked. Sure that the csection would result in the end of my life. I literally panicked all the time. BUT I prayed. I held myself accountable for my irrational thoughts and I gave them to God. I asked others to pray. You know what? When the moment came to go in to surgery & even in it - I prayed my way through it and I actually ENJOYED it. Aside from that whole Noah being completely limp upon birth...but evenespecially then I prayed. and God HEARD my prayers...and God breathed LIFE into my son. I got goosebumps just typing it. He did ya'll. For reals. Now here I am. 9 days post partum and my newest fears is over my stupid blood pressure. Well, let's backtrack a bit. First it was that I had a spinal headache. Ends up it wasn't a spinal headache I was experiencing but it was, fact, severe electrical like shock pain in my spine at the spinal site and in the back of my head that pulsated when it acted up - and that was due to nerve damage from the spinal. A little nerve damage I can deal with. My blood pressure it up though..well, the diastolic is up. They put my on labetalol (this was Friday) and I felt a bit at ease. Of course I googled my little heart out about things like "effects on breastfeeding" (even though the Doc put me on it because I am EBF, and I also asked the Pharmacist to double check him), and "side effects of labetalol" (even though the Doc said there really aren't any) and so forth. But today I got dizzy/lightheaded and I got fearful. I mean like really dizzy/lightheaded. At the time I didn't take my blood pressure but I immediately figured that is what it was. Why? Because I'd mentioned being a tad dizzy on the med and Cayleigh's nurse said (prefaced by "I don't want you to be afraid, this is just a possibility) that I could've been dizzy due to too low of blood pressure. Even though I read that it is normal to be a bit dizzy on it, especially around the 48 hour mark, as your bp begins to decrease as the medicine is finally stabilizing in your system and bringing your bp down. *sigh* I know. So then tonight I took my BP with my handy dandy wrist cuff, which a nurse already told me NOT to use because they are so inaccurate. but I did. Because I still felt a little dizzy and was convinced it was too low. Low and behold it showed 200s over 100s. Like three times. *sigh* So then of course I was sure that I was going to have a stroke. All the medical stuff comes flooding in and the pre-eclampsia and the stroke and blah blah blah. Then I was "is my upper right abdomen hurting" and "am I having vision problems" and so forth. *shaking head* I made the hubby drive me to Meijers. I used theirs. It was just like it was the doctors office Friday. 150s over 90s. I am so tired of worrying. I prayed a lot, but I think I could use some prayers too. I'm not letting Satan get foothold and I'm looking to God for guidance & healing. Not just for my worry but also for this post partum hypertension. I am going to give God the glory and just laugh at myself. I decided to write this post so I can look back on it and laugh, scold myself and remind myself that it really is just all in my head & that God is bigger than any problem. I hope you all got a kick out of my issues. I thought I'd share though. I know I am not alone in this big boat of being a Special Needs Mom who is a part time Hypochondriac. It's, unfortunately, somewhat normal from what I hear. One of those side effects listed on the bottle when you start in on this journey I suppose. In the end, I just want to say that I have an incredible husband (who shakes his head but still drives me to check my BP), and then who treats me to Applebees takeout for dinner, puts me on orders to get in bed, plates my food brings me my meds, a full ice water and my laptop. I am one VERY, VERY blessed woman to have him. I really, REALLY am. Thank you all for your prayers for me as I struggle to overcome fear, maintain a healthy dose of medical awareness for myself and most of all get rid of this hypertension once and for all.