Breathe easy little one

Evening of February 28th, 2011
The Last Day Of February

If there is nothing else I've learned from this experience, and trust me when I say there is an incredible amount I've learned so far, it would be these things:

Resist the Devil"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7 Speak up to the devil in the name of Jesus. "Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." Jesus said, "I am with you [always]."

Be Encouraged"For with God nothing shall be impossible." Luke 1:37

The Power of PrayerIf ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it." John 14:14

How awesome is our God? Seriously. What does it mean to you to trust in the Lord? When your little one is in the hospital, especially the NICU at 10 days old, you have no other choice but to trust in the Lord. Trusting God is like this:
As a child, we take our broken toy to our father and we believe he can fix it.
Though it may not happen over night or right on the spot, eventually (by the power of Home Depot, duct tape or a Mastercard) our toy is like new again.
As an adult, we take our problems to our Father and we think, hope, He can fix it. We wait for about a day. We might even pray. We might even wait a few days...but eventually we go up and snatch our 'broken toy' back from His hands. We want to fix it ourselves. "What's taking you so long? Why didn't you fix it?", we ask Him. He simply responds, "My child, you never really gave me your toy. How could I ever fix it?".

Let Go and Let God
What else can you do?

With that being said, our precious Cayleigh has been stable all day long *PRAISE GOD*. Her CBC, which measures the 'amount of infection' or 'sign of infection' jumped from 3 to 12. It'd seem to be an overwhelming thought if it weren't for our Lord. But I trust Him, I pray over her, I have faith and assurance that number will be significantly changed for the better tomorrow. Normal is <1. I lift her up in your prayers for that as well.

We visited Cayleigh today, just Nic and I. We touched her as much as we could without overstimulating her. Her color is much better today. The CPAP machine seems to be working and her O2 is 100. She is beautiful. The Dr comes in. He tells us her lungs are much more clear. He tells us she has an infection. He tells us about the result being 12. The T-Cells, white blood cells that is, are back up to over 12. Normal range is 6-20 and thats up from 6.5. *PRAISES*. He's changed her 2 antibiotics to much stronger ones. He tells us he has to do a spinal tap on her. I freeze up.

I look at him. Will you be numbing her first? No, that would mean she has to get 3 pokes instead of just one. Will it hurt? Well, it will be uncomfortable. I'm positive that is their way of sugar coating it hurts. I've had a spinal. It hurt. I ask why is it necessary? To make sure the infection doesn't get to her brain/meningitis. I tell him she doesn't have that. Her numbers will be down tomorrow. Would they still need to do the spinal? Yes he says. He has to . I don't feel peace with this at all. Nic doesn't either, I know it.

Fast foward to tonight: We arrive at the NICU and see Cayleigh. Mercy is her nurse again. Mercy is an Indian woman. She has dark hair that she pulls back into a pony tail. She's probably in her early 40s. She is working tonight with Cayleigh. I look at the board later and notice that Mercy & Vida are the nurses in Cayleighs room. Mercy & Life. Amazing.

Earlier today I shared a picture of her on Facebook and I thought I'd share it here.



Here is what we saw tonight when we walked in...


You've no idea how happy we were - elated - to see our little girl without the CPAP! Praise God! When did they take her off the pump Mercy? I'm not sure, a little while ago. Her oxygen is good (100). They didn't call you? No, they didn't call - but that's ok! She smiles. I smile. Nic smiles.

We lay hands on our daughter. We pray over her. I change her diaper. I sing Jesus Love You to her. Nic touches her. I take a 2 minute video of her laying on her side, just breathing on her own. I praise God. I sit in a chair and I lay hands on her crib and she's laying and nearly sleeping. I claim Life over my child in the name of Jesus. I claim sucking and swallowing and breathing pattern reflex to just emerge from nowhere. I claim motor skills that suddenly take form in all of her body. I claim normal blood results. I claim normal oxygen levels. I claim normal heartbeats. I claim LIFE. I claim crying. The sound of an angel to be coming out of our precious baby. I speak in prayer language at times and just pray for a good 10 minutes.

Praise God for her excellent heart rate. Praise God for her jaundice being gone. Praise God for her breathing on her own. Praise God for excellent oxygen level. Praise God for normal T-Cell count. Praise God for cleared up lungs. Praise God for good skin coloring. Praise God for her head and arm movements she was making tonight. Praise God for every breath she takes, every hair on her head, every little move she makes. Praise God for He alone is in control and I lay my daughter at His merciful feet. I claim a hedge of protection and a barrier of safety and the angels of Jesus Christ to surround her and protect her from the enemy and safeguard her from illness and harm.

Our God is an Awesome God.

Thank you all for continued prayer. This momma is out.

There is strength in numbers

Monday, February 28th, 2011
The last day of February
I was born in February. So was my father in law. So was my Cayleigh.
A quote from Gene Dulik "All the great people are born in February you know"


It's 11:25 am and I'm doing my blog/pump session that I often do. I figure I need to keep my mind pre-occupied with something while I just sit here so thinking about & writing about my sweet Cayleigh is the only outlet I can think of. I sit in my bed, that my husband & father worked so hard together to make higher w/little stand things after my C-section so I would be able to get in and out comfortably, and I look around the room. To my right is Cayleighs sleigh crib. It's a black cherry color with a no-drop side. It's beautiful. Huge in comparison to her current living quarters. There is no plastic top that drops down by machine. There aren't any machines near it. It just seems so peaceful. Empty, but peaceful. The bedding has a light pink, off-white and brown lady bug themed decor. The bumper is tied into place. Everything about it makes me happy. Next to that is her 6 drawer dresser/changing table. The changing pad has a little belt and a light pink with white polka dot cover on it. Next to that is a ladybug box that matches the bedding. Nonoe of these things were purchased togetehr - or by the same people - and yet, despite me never having a theme or color combination in mind - it all came together and fits perfectly. Like it was just meant to be. Funny how that works.

Cayleigh being in the NICU isn't how I meant it to be. Looking back now? It was never my decision to make. I did not give her life - God did. He knew her before she was born. He knew this all would happen - but I know that this was nothing but a step in the direction that leads her home with us.

This is short and sweet guys. I just want everyone to know we appreciate your prayers. Her stats have been normal the last few times we called. She's not on feeding today because of the, what the doctors claim is, pneumonia. Please continue to pray for this blessed little child. Thank you Lord, thank you everyone. We fully believe that there is power in prayer. If you'd like to lift Cayleigh up at church, on your Facebook page or anywhere - please do. We believe there is power in numbers and so we share of our beautiful Cayeligh with anyone who will listen and ask for their prayers.

Somebody let me off this ride

Sunday, February 27th 2011

The summers of my youth always consisted, like many Ohioans, of a trip to Cedar Point. If you are from Ohio - or love roller coasters in general - then you've probably been there. The place is bigger than life with dozens of roller coasters that are sure to make you squeal with delight..or horror. In the end, though, it's always a great way to spend your day.

One such ride that came to mind earlier today was the Mean Streak. This particular ride is old, rickety and sure to give you the headache from hades. It's up, down, shake shake shake.. you're enjoying yourself (sorta) yet you feel your brain bouncing around so forcefully it makes you wince.

The past 10 days has been like a roller coaster. Today, however, has been a Mean Streak kinda day. It made my brain hurt. This day was so enthralling, in fact, that there were times I very nearly couldn't handle it. Much like my amusement park comparison, this day has left me so full of adrenaline it may be hard to sleep tonight...if I hadn't taken a Benadryl anyhow.

Enough of the introduction.. here's my day:

Around 9 am I called NICU to check on Cayleigh. I end up speaking with a nurse whose name I don't recall. She is taking care of Cayleigh today. Good news she tells me. It's a very exciting morning for Miss Cayleigh mom. The billirubin test came back and the results showed that she is at 9. The doctor has ordered that the lights and billirubin blanket be removed. That means no more glasses or lights mom, isn't that great? Yes! She goes on to tell me more. The doctor has also ordered that we take her off of the Flow Nasal Cannulus. So they're taking her off the oxygen? Yes, well it isn't really oxygen more of just a flow to remind her to breathe really. But we're giving her a loading dose of caffeine. Wait, did you just say caffeine? Yes, well its really not a big amount but it will help her to remember to breathe and wean her off the nasal cannulus. I figure that the doctor must know what he is doing & say Ok. I tell Nic the great news. I thank God. For some reason, however, her being taken off of the O2 doesn't sit right with me. I give praise to the Lord in spite of myself. She hasn't had any residuals and no reflux. We have her bed up to hopefully prevent reflux and so far so good. Will we be seeing you today? Yes, we'll be up in the afternoon. I ask her when her feedings are this afternoon. 1:30 pm - we'll be at that one after church. Ok, she says. Can you call me if anything changes? Sure, she says. I give her my cellphone number. Thanks. No problem, we'll see you then. We hang up and I begin getting ready for church.

Fast Foward: 1 Cayleigh NICU is calling my phone. Is this Cayleighs mom? Yes it is. Hi, it's "ENTER NURSES NAME YOU DONT REMEMBER HERE". Hi, how are you? Good, thanks. Listen, I wanted to give you a call. Cayleigh was off the O2 for about an hour and 40 minutes and her O2 went down. She ended up having 3 Apneas that were pretty significant in a row so we put her back on the Nasal Cannulus. Is she okay? Yes, she is ok now. We only have it on 2 liters (it was 3) and we're watching her. Just wanted to give you a call and let you know. Is everything else the same? Yes, it is. Ok. Thank you for calling, please call me if anything else changes. We'll see you around 1:30. Ok, will do. See you then.

Church comes before we know it. Nic and I are talking to Pastor John. He lives in Manteca and would be able to come lay hands on Cayleigh in Stockton at St Josephs. Terrific! Nic & I had talked earlier and wanted to speak with the pastoral staff today to ask them to come pray over her. The schedules don't work out for us until this coming Tuesday. We will see him Tuesday morning. We're so grateful. We tell him the whole story (well, as much as we can) and he listens patiently. We grab hands and he begins to pray. I feel myself a little light and hope I dont fall over. I get Holy Spirit goosebumps. God is so good.

We leave, grab some McDonalds and head toward the hospital, all the kids in tow. We have to travel back to Mountain House, then past it and toward Stockton. Thank heavens for the DVD player in our van. *sigh*

We get to the hospital and Nic lets me out at the front. It's my turn first he says. He takes the kids, the van and is off the park. I'm so excited I nearly run. Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle. I reach the NICU doors, sign in, wash up and head to my sweetheart. Her eyes are wide open. I meet the nurse. Late 40s, chin length dyed blonde hair that is straight. Great makeup. She tells me her name, I don't remember. I'm busy looking at Cayleigh. Her eyes are open. She looks wired. Her heartrate is at 170s. I ask the nurse about this, she says its normal with the loading dose. Loading dose just means the very first dose given of a medicine. She tells me that over the next couple days she will get a maintaining dose which is not nearly as high. I'm thankful Cayleigh isn't wearing her sunglasses..otherwise she'd be looking at a thick, black sunglass thingy. The nurse tells me she's just eaten. (feeding tube) She gets her ready and I unpack 4 bottles of milk plus a storage bag. I sit down, she asks me Skin to Skin mom? Yes. I pull down my shirt and she is laying on my chest. Listening to my heart. I rub her back, kiss her head, play daddy's recording of There's a Nightmare in My Closet, attempt to work her left arm and I rub her feet and lower back. Her eyes are wide open. I tell her I need some of what she has. I yawn. I sing to Cayleigh. I pray over her. I pray with her. We talk about alot of things.. she's the silent type though so it was mostly just me. I tell the nurse I need to switch with daddy. She is busy feeding baby in Crib 1 and calls another nurse in. This is a tall, slim Asian woman with short black hair. She takes Cayleigh and I quickly get dressed and head downstairs. Nic is up in an instant and I sit with the kids. Bathroom trip. I get out of the bathroom and Nic is standing there.

He looks upset. What's wrong? He tells me he only got to hold Cayleigh for all of about a minute before she had reflux in her mouth and nose. She threw up on him. He says she Desat'd a little bit while she refluxed. Poor daddy. He's grumpy now. I would be too though... holding her is like heaven. He just got a teaser. Poor thing. We head to the van, load up the kids, turn on All Dogs Go to Heaven and head home.

Fast foward.... I walk in the doors at the house, go to the bathroom and find a project I want to work on online. Prayer pockets. What a great idea. I can spread the word of God to other mommas by making these for my other NICU moms. I get a bunch of ideas. Then, the phone rings.

1 Cayleigh NICU. Why are they calling? I dont have time to even think is it good news or bad news - I just pick up. Is this Cayleighs mom? Yes. Hi, its "Nurse" (I told you, I forgot her name). Hi, whats going on? Is everything ok? Well, mom thats why I'm calling. After you all left Cayleighs O2 stats went down and didn't really come back up. *head foggy..dizzy..what is she saying?* Her heartrate is up above 200 and she has a fever of 100. We are transferring her to the big room right now. I've called the doctor to let him know. Do I need to come back up right now? Do you think I should? Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Ok. We're coming right now, I just need to find someone to watch the kids. Okay. Keep me posted. Okay, I will.

Heart racing. Tears start falling. I pace. I pace from the back of the house to the front. I holler up the stairs. "NIC!" He's in the bathroom. NIC! He answers.. I need you to come down here NOW. I'll be right there. I try calling my mom. Voicemail. I try again. Voicemail. I call my dad. he's working. What's wrong? I tell him briefly I need to go to the hospital, we need to leave now. I need her to answer her phone. He says I could go. I'm shaking. I can't drive myself. I hang up on him hastily saying something about I need to get ahold of SOMEBODY. I'm at the bottom of the stairs. I wait. I pace. Nic comes down the stairs, I tell him just enough and say to go get Cynthia & Antonio and see if they can watch the kids until my mom comes. I dial the 24-7 emergency prayer line Pastor John just gave me earlier at church. I walk out the front door. I don't remember him leaving but Nic is gone. I'm outside my house, pacing. I leave a message on the prayer line. I pace more. I walk back inside. Tayla comes downstairs. Its supposed to be nap/rest time. I tell her to go upstairs and pray for her sister right now. She asks whats wrong. I tell her cayleigh isn't feeling good. She should pray. Prayer is powerful. My phone rings. It's a pastor. Pastor Kim talks to me. I tell her briefly what's going on. She tells me she will leave right now and meet us at the hospital. I thank her. Hang up, tears falling.

I walk to the couch. I drop to my knees and begin praying. I'm praying and speaking healing over my baby. Verse after verse. Shooting pain goes up and out from the site where I got my spinal. I put my left hand on the pain and press on it and continue praying. This isn't about me. Claiming life. Authority over this baby. Thank you Lord for giving her to us for this time on Earth. Thank you for every breath she takes. Heal her Lord. A thought comes to my mind. I need to post this on Facebook so everyone else prays. I get up quickly(ish). I head to the counter. Just enough battery left on the laptop to post. PRAYER IS POWERFUL I think. Caps locks. They'll see it.

I'm pacing back and forth in the kitchen and hear the door open. There is Nic, Cynthia is behind him. I'm standing in front of the mirror. I wasn't looking at it. Not sure what I was doing. I look over my shoulder and Cynthia is at my side and opens her arms. She hugs me. "I'm praying for her Sam". Tears fill my eyes. So am I. Thank you.

We leave, quickly. In the car. Nic drives. I'm lost in the Spirit. Praying the entire trip. I have my Bible. I'm praying the entire time, speaking in tongues, lead by the Spirit. Tears in my eyes. I am not afraid. I am praying. Kick rocks Satan.

We arrive at the hospital. I'm still praying. Nic lets me out. I almost bypass the security guard. PASS, NOW. I think it , I don't say it. Elevator, Press 2, ding. Open, shuffle shuffle shuffle. A nurse had just walked in, the doors are still open to the NICU. Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle.. I make it. Hastily sign in. Screw washing hands. I'm down the hall in record time. "Do not fear what you see" The Lord has spoken clearly to me in this. I walk to room 13, the nurse (a familiar face, a name I dont recall) answers. She's not in here honey. I walk to the next room and look in the door. 4 nurses stand over a crib. This is the room. I knock.

The short, gray haired older nurse let's me in. I walk to the 1st crib for some reason and see a teeny, tiny little bitty baby. My mind is in a cloud. She shrunk? No. That's not her. "over here mom". The 4 nurses are over her crib. I hear beeping. I look only at my babies face for half a second and see a huge contraption over her head. CPAP. I don't look. I drop to my knees on the cold, hard tile at the end of her bed. Nurses are working, talking. Beeping, loud beeps, short beeps, suction sounds. I pray. I put my hands on the crib and I pray. I shake. I am deep, deep, deeper than I've ever been in prayer. I pray in tongues out loud mixed with spoken words. Noone else exists. I pray so many things I don't recall. Except that I pray for Him to guide the nurses and doctor in caring for my baby. I continually pray life over my baby. I being praying over and over, Lower heartbeat. I look up and it's 210. I pray harder. Over and over. Sometimes in tongues. I pray and my hands shake. I cry. Tears fall. I pray so hard it almost hurts. Lower heartbeat. Stable oxygen. Stable stats. Life. Life. Life. Angels of Jesus surround my baby girl and protect her. Lord a hedge of protection and shield her against the enemy. The nurse says something like "Mom, when you're done I'd like to go over what's going on with you". I dont turn around. I dont acknowledge her. I pray. Over and over, harder and harder. Noone else matters.

I sense Nic. I hear his voice. The nurse gets him to come to her and starts going over whats going on. Blood work is out, X-rays, CPAP for oxygen to her lungs, heartbeat is high. They are talking. I barely hear them. I pray for nearly 30 minutes (it seems) and hear the nurse. The blood test is back. A 'general" test thing that shows if there is some kind of infection came back. Normal is <1. Hers is over 3. Infection? I pray harder. I tell the infection that my God is mighty. Greater is He that is in her than He who is in this world. I tell the infection God is going to squash it. Nic comes to Cayleighs side and is talking to her and I rise minutes later.

I look at her. Her color is pale. Her face is squished together by this CPAP thing. It's stuck up her nose. Her eyes are still open but look like she's exhausted. Her chest is up and down rapidly. I look at the heartbeat. 200. I give praise to God. I pray again, lower heartbeat Lord Jesus. You are the Great Physician. She looks nothing like the baby I held just hours earlier. Poor, sweet baby. I lay my hands on the crib and pray more. Daddy is telling her she is strong. She is a fighter. She is his princess. She is a fighter. I watch the heartbeat. Stupid heartbeat. Marina tells us no holding her because she isn't stable. They also dont want us to touch her because it may overstimulate her. Not until she's more stable. She walks away to check on something.

The short, gray haired nurse comes over. She opens the hand hole on Cayleighs crib. She looks at me. I just thought you might want to put your hands on her. Then she walks away. I look at Nic. But the nurse just said no touching her. The short, gray haired lady turns around. She looks at us both. She says, I think it will be ok.

Marina is the nurse thats taking care of her. She cannot tell us whats the diagnosis but she has called the Dr. He will be calling soon. Cayleighs heartbeat starts lowering. 190s. I continue to pray. Praise you Lord, thank you. I keep praying in my mind. I hear them talking. Her white blood cells are still in the normal range (5-20) but are at the low end. 6.5 This shows there is an infection. I hear the words bacterial. They eat the white blood cells. I rebuke it. I refuse to claim this. I pray. Heartbeat to 180s. Doctor calls. Start 2 antibiotics. Marina and another nurse are at Cayleighs crib.

I am singing to her (Hallelujiah Christ is Lord), and Marina asks if I can leave the room. I look at her. I had a dad watch me give the baby an IV earlier and he almost punched me. I dont want you to get upset. I comply. I don't like it , but I do ..but not before I put my hands on her again to pray.

Nic and I are in the hallways sitting at the table. He says we will stay until she is stable. Maybe walk across and get something to eat from the cafeteria. He calls his dad and asks me to call the pastor to see how long she will be. I do and she is only 1/4 mile away. I give her the info. Nic walks down the hall a bit to talk to his dad. I'm doing something and Nic tells me we can go back inside now.

We go back inside. I stand at her crib with Nic and we pray. the chest x-ray came back. Fluids in the lungs. The nurse said, without saying, pneumonia. The antiobiotics will be on for 7 days. There's 2 different ones to make sure whatever is making her sick is squashed.

Just then Pastor Kim is at the door. The nurses let her come in and the 3 of us put our hands on her and pray over her briefly. They've closed the curtains around us for 'privacy'. We don't touch her for too long so we don't overstimulate her (*rolling eyes*) and then Nic says we can talk more in the hallway.

We go over the story, we pray, talk about how this experience has changed us and what its taught us so far. She offers her help at any time. Just call me. We all walk downstairs together so that Nic and I can walk across to the cafeteria. She walks with us and we talk about being married, how long, and about her husband and herself. We're incredibly grateful to her for coming out. she is truly kind and we're certain it's made a difference having her there to pray over Cayleigh with us.

Nic and I 'eat'. He has a small sandwich, bag of doritos and a soda. I have a lousy potatoe soup with crackers and a water. We dont talk too much. When we do, we say we'll head home after this (if she's stable when we get back). we agree. We're both exhausted mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Still, though, we are in this together and love one another more today than yesterday, so thats something. :)

Back at the NICU Cayleigh is stable. Heartbeat is back in the 150s when we get back. O2 at 100%. We meet Maria. She will be taking over for the evening. Nic tells her to expect calls from us..alot. Her temp is 99.2 now. I tell her to expect it to keep being lower and then normal. I pray stability over my childs vitals. We all say goodbyes and then double check the room phone number.

Long story short, we're home. It's 12:02 a.m.. I'm tired, Nic is tired and it's time to pump (and not iron).

Pray for our sweet Cayleigh Jean.
Pray for stability in her stats.
Pray for her to be off the CPAP soon
Pray that the antibiotics work perfectly
Pray the the secretions in her lungs disappear
Pray for complete and total healing.
Yeah, that last one will work. Thanks all.

Prayers from my Heart

Psalm 139:14-16

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 61:1-2

Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Tired

It's 11:40 pm and I'm just getting home from visiting with my sweet Cayleigh. I despise that I have to refer to time spent with my daughter as visting. Instead, let's just say I was spending time with her. Nah, that doesn't quite cut it either. You get the idea.. no mother should have limits to the amount of time she is in the presence of her 9 day old newborn baby.

Tonight, Daddy stayed home to watch the kids and I took my mom with me. She likes seeing Cayleigh when her eyes are open. Unfortunately, 9:30 pm is rise & shine with the little miss. <3 So we drive, in the dark, in California, Saturday night, into Stockton, into the ghetto...nice area...ghetto...nice.ghetto..hospital. (that's about how often it changes over there) We arrive by 8:50 pm which is just enough time to be able to still park in the parking garage. Otherwise, we would have to park far away. Far away, in the dark, in the ghetto/nice area, in the cold, 9 days post op? Don't make me laugh
We get upstairs and I sign us in. Mom washes up. We walk to Cayleighs room. Room 11. A weight lifts off my chest as I lay eyes on my baby girl. She's got her sunglasses on - you know what the means already (I can't help it )

She's still under the lights. Her billirubin was 10.2 today. It's good, but it needs to be closer to like 8 or under for them to feel comfortable to remove the lights because of her size. They don't want the jaundice to creep back up. Truth be told, if jaundice tried creeping back up I'd have to punch it in the face - well, if it was a person. (sleep deprivation makes you think this way) My mom notices that her sunglasses aren't on her right. The center cut out for the nose is shifted left and her right eyes is open and looking at the light. I talk to the nurse, Emma, about this - she says it hasn't been this way long as she was just with her. She apologizes. She didn't want to put it too tight because it causes marks and bruises on her eyes. She has two little bruised areas around her eyes already. Stupid sunglasses. It makes me not even want to sing the song anymore...almost.

I give Emma, the young, long dark haired, short Asian woman with a very caring demeanor, the breastmilk I'd pumped before I left home. I need stickers I tell her. Every bottle and bag has a sticker with her name, info, etc. This is so they can verify that its for the right baby, etc. Good system. I am confident that Juliette would like this sticker system, she's a big fan of them.

I feel tired. My eyes are tired. My spirit is tired - but unstoppable. I'm physically tired. My shoulders ache. My tummy aches slightly (thanks Viocodin/Motrin) and my feet hurt. Could I complain anymore? Yes, but I won't. I am blessed.

I digress.. Cayleigh gets put into my arms and onto my chest. I want to do skin to skin with her. She sounds really crackly. My mom notices it. She speaks quickly to Emma. Does the baby sound crackly to you? Yes. Emma continues to say that she doesn't think that Cayleigh is being adequately suctioned out. She suctions her every time she has her and even during her hands on time. She gets secretions out. She once suctioned a green mucus plug she got from Cayleighs throat. It made her breathe better literally because she knew it made Cayleigh breathe better. Cayleigh tenses up. I see her O2 go down slightly. I tell Emma to suction her please. Emma takes her from my arms. Emma calls to the nurse in the adjoining room. Can you please bring me an 8mm (I think) tube. Okay, coming. Within seconds another slim, slightly taller Asian nurse comes over and brings Emma the package. I remind Emma that I want Cayleigh back as soon as she is done. She says of course. She takes cayleigh into her arms and lays her sweetly onto her bed (that she just changed)

My mom puts her head down. She doesn't want to watch. I sit for only a few seconds longer and stand. I grab Cayleighs tiny right hand. I stroke her head. It's okay baby. Mommy is here. I love you. Cayleigh is calm. Emma sticks a long tube down into Cayleighs throat. White spit stuff starts to come into the chamber. Emma pulls the tube up into Cays mouth. She grabs another, bigger sucker thing and swooshes it around in Cayleighs mouth. She gets more spit stuff. Emma repeats with the tube thing. Cayleigh stays calm. So sweet. She seems relieved. I feel relieved. Momma is here angel. I love you. You are so strong. Mommy loves you. Bigger sucker thing, swoosh. Tube back down for the third time.. this time, Cayleigh winces. Her face squishes up in her crying face and she turns slightly red. I squeeze her little hand gently. I pray. I tell her she is so good. She is mommys angel. I love her. Emma apologizes to her. Its okay, she says. She's done with the tube now. Stupid tube. She uses the big sucky thing and is satisfied. Cayleigh isn't crackling anymore.

I sit down, relieved. Poor baby. I ask her about Cayleighs X-Ray.
(REWIND: I called to check on Cayleigh earlier. Cynthia tells me that X-ray just left. She said Cayleigh had reflux and that the doctor wanted to make sure her feeding tube was positioned correctly. I feel ill. She's so small. They should have called me. She tells me this is normal. Alot of these babies have reflux. She says that she has inclined Cayleighs bed. She tells me that her personal opinion, as usual, is that the doctor jumped the food intake too quickly. From 18 to 25. She thinks that is what caused it. She says if Cayleigh had reflux she would have already had it by now. She tells me its okay. I hang up with her. Nic asks what is wrong. I tell him..kind of. he calls for himself because I'm just emotionally spent. I don't communicate well. I write and type with an amazing ability because its like I write from third person perspective - I'm telling a story, even though my family are the characters - its just typing. When I try to talk..I get choked up. The X-Ray will be back in about an hour. Ok.)
She tells me that they pulled from 26? to 18. You mean pulled the tube up shorter? She says yes. I ask her if it hurts. She hesitates. She tells me its uncomfortable. My mom chimes in, she's good for that. She tells me that my dad had one of those and it does hurt. Thanks mom.

I have Cayleigh back on my chest. My mom suggests that I rub her back inside the blanket. Why hadn't that dawned on me before? I probably have done it but tonight it seems like a novel idea. I pull the blanket away and begin rubbing her back. Massaging her butt. I tell her I know her back hurts. Mine did too in the hospital. I promise to rub her butt more. I rub her shoulders. Stroke her arms. Kiss her head. Kiss her nose. In my left hand I hold her tiny feet. I stroke them softly. My mom touches Cayleigh too. You can tell she wants to hold her. She just, isnt allowed, and cant because she is just to small and has too many wires. Wires. Ha. I laugh at wires now. HA HA

Cayleigh is awake. Big eyes. I take a picture. I take videos for daddy. I kiss her for daddy. Then, I play the recording of Daddy reading "There's a Nightmare in my Closet" that we made before I left so she could hear him read to her. Daddy always reads to her. Daddy ends the book by saying "that book sucks". I laugh. Daddy tells her he loves her, be good for mommy, suck and swallow. I repeat his words. I kiss her head and tell her its from Daddy. He loves her. I love her.

We sit, I stroke her, she is limp in my arms. relaxed to the point of exhaustion. Its been a hard day she tells me. Ok, she didnt tell me, but I feel it. We're both tired. Holding her is like taking a sleeping pill.. a really good smelling one that you want to hold and cuddle all night. You can't get that over the counter.

It's nearing the end of the time. As I'm stretching Cayleighs relaxed arm I say to her that she needs Yoga. Mom chimes in. Do they have baby yoga? Can we have someone come do baby yoga with her? I give her a look. No mom, I dont think they have baby yoga. But then it hits me. I went to school for massage therapy. I wanted to become a Neonatal Massage Therapist. They are out there. Massage is powerful. God is All Powerful. (Just throwing it in there) It could be great for her. Ask the nurse, mom says. I ask Emma. She tells me that I'd have to ask the day nurse. I say ok. I will hire someone to come give her massages in addition to what daddy and I already do. I feel it would be really good for her. Did I mention I love her?

Emma is back to take Cayleigh and put her to bed. She's sleepy. Momma is sleepy. So is Nonny. I tell Emma (earlier, after the suction thing happened..I'm backtracking folks) that I believe Cayleigh has an undeveloped trachea or epiglottis. She tells me the name of something and it's exactly what I'd looked up. It often coincides with Ventricular Septal Defects. Cayleigh has a tiny one (I have one.) She agrees with me. Her son had something along those lines. He's three and fine now. I feel relieved.

Back to Emma taking my Cayleigh away. I help her put the wires in the right spots. I manage not to tangle any of them (that was for my husband) and I ask Emma to leave the side down so I can kiss my sweet girl goodbye. She says of course. I walk to the side of Cayleighs plastic (temporary) holding bin. I kiss her head. Once, twice, five times. Then once more for daddy. I pray. I love you Cayleigh. I miss you. Momma loves you. I never really leave her. She lays there, Emma comes to her side to finish. I tell my mom its time to go now ...before I dont want to go.

I turn back one last time and look at her. My angel. My world. You're coming home soon baby.

Here is a picture I took of her when I first arrived tonight. Enjoy.... I do.

The Road Ahead

Saturday, February 26, 2011
Cayleigh is 9 days old


Nic & I made the journey to St. Joseph's hospital this morning. We arrived just in time for her 12 o'clock feeding and got washed up. A short, stocky woman with very short gray hair opens the door for us. From the next room (which is connected to ours through a big opening in the center of the rooms) we hear that we can't bring our drinks in with us. We have Starbucks. The short lady tells us, with a laugh, we can't drink it unless we brought one for her. Nic and I say that we were just talking about how we both were thinking we should bring them a coffee. We really were. I was telling him I thought we should have gotten them a Starbucks card - but didn't know if they could accept it. He was telling me we should've bought them one but didnt know what they liked. Irony

As for the short lady, we didn't catch her name but she tells us that our nurse is on lunch right now. We say okay and walk over to get washed up. Cayleigh is moving her arms a bit and we're happy to see that sight. Nic asks the nurse if Dr. Glasses (ok, Chang) is in because we were supposed to have a family meeting. Another nurse, Linda, tells us from the next room that she wasn't sure if he wanted to meet with us today. The short, stocky nurse tells us she will go get him anyhow. Nic and I walk over to Cayleigh and touch her sweet little arms and legs. We begin working on flexing her elbows and knees. One, two, three, four, five...ten times. She becomes very relaxed and easily moveable unlike her typical stiff disposition. We note this to the nurse who says, yes, she too has been noticing that Cayleigh is moving alot more. She also notes that Cayleigh keeps sticking her tongue all the way out of her mouth too. We look at her and, just then, she does it.

The nurse, Cynthia, who has long, sandy blonde hair, tanned skin and is a grandmother herself, comes in. Hi Mom, Hi Dad. She's got a bubbly personality and isn't afraid to tell you what she thinks is going on with the baby. She's got big, blue eyes and a warm smile. She tells us Cayleigh has had no residuals. They've upped her 20 mls and she's handling it beautifully. Whoo Hoo. *PRAISES*

We say hello. Nic asks her if we'll be meeting with Dr Glasses and she says more than likely. He heads over to talk to Linda, the short stocky lady and Cynthia. They're talking and I'm at Cayleighs side, laying my head on her bed next to her and praying over her. Telling her that we believe and trust in the Lord that she will have improved flexibility and motor skills, improved and strong reflexes and good eating. I stroke her body, her arms, her soft little legs, her belly, her hair, her face. I'm very close to her with the side of the plastic bucket down. I love the smell of my baby.

I hear Dr Glasses voice. Nic is talking to him. He comes over and interrupts me and Cayleigh. He tells us the news again.. the genetic test is normal. He's talking to us both and all I hear is that he says something is still not right. That there are still abnormalities they want test for. They'll have a neurologist look at Cayleigh. She'll need an MRI. Something about a tube. An IV and Oxygen. I'm not listening anymore.

I look at Cayleigh and get close. I tell her Do you hear him? Ignore him. He's wrong Cayleigh. Jesus has healed you. You are going to prove them all wrong. Make them eat their words. We're not claming any of that. You get strong. Eat good. Start moving all over. Cry for us.

The doctor asks Nic if he wants to see a book. Nic says yes. A book for what I ask. Nic says to see what he is talking about. The doctor comes back. He sections off a small area of pages in the front of the book. He says this is what we tested for and it was normal. He references to the entire remainder of the book. These are chromosomal issues that could still be abnormal. I see a picture briefly of a baby with feet turned inward. Thats not my Cayleigh I think. I look at Cayleigh. He's wrong. I tell him what he thinks is wrong. When is she going to be transfered to a better hospital. He tells us that they have steps to take:
1. Over the next 3 days she is going to complete her IV fluids
2. They will then wean her off of O2
3. They are going to get her up to taking 45 ml of food
4. He'll form a team of specialists. One will be a neurologist. One Physical Therapist. Him.
and blah blah blah

I turn back to Cayleigh again. I tell Dr Glasses that the Lord will heal her and she'll be doing all of those things before they get the chance. The doctor says something to Nic. Then the nurse and Doctor Glasses are standing asking Nic and I what insurance she will have. We tell them her 2 insurance coverages. Then she'd be transfered to UCSF. I ask if they have rooms for NICU parents. The nurse, Cynthia, says her cousins step daughter had open heart surgery there. They'd given the family vouchers for a hotel nearby.
Ok I say. Thats good to know.

Nic and the doctor walk off near the nurses. I am standing with Cayleigh and begin to change her diaper. I clean her umbilical cord. I pull the diapy down and am happy to see lots of pee. Thats good stuff. Her billirubin is down to 10.2 today. For her weight it'd be good to have it more at 6. I say then the high billirubin levels would still be causing her to be drowsy. That makes sense. Cynthia smiles. She tells me that Linda and her are both Christians. That they got goosebumps when they saw Cay sticking her tongue out of her mouth. She wasnt doing that before and now she is. Thats huge progress.

Nic asks her if she is going to measure Cayleighs belly. She is going to . I step aside. Nic tells me he is going to hold her first. He didnt get to hold her last night he reminds me. I know. I do a pouty face. The nurse tells us that we oughtta try to put her to the breast to encourage suck/swallowing. I ask if I should put my nipple in her mouth. She says sure, why not. I ask if its ok if she actually gets milk in her mouth. Couldnt hurt. Nic says that I should hold Cayleigh then. Get naked and put your boob in her mouth. Thats him for ya. The nurse laughs. Men

I sit down and get ready to hold my dumpling. Daddy is standing right next to us. The nurse hands me Cayleigh and we do skin to skin. I love my baby. The nurse must've asked him four times if he wants a chair. He didn't. He just knelt down besides us. He reads "where the wild things are" to her. She seems a little sleepy. We finish the book. That book sucked he says. I agree. So did the movie I tell him. Cayleigh begins using her tongue to touch my nipple, several times. Not constantly, but according to the nurse, its considered a successful session. We sit with the light off thanks to Daddys great suggestion. She has one eye open. Not really staring at anything. I put her hand up on my chest and she is totally relaxed. I even stroke her hand to open it. I lay it flat against my body. She keeps it there. No clenched fist. *PRAISES*

We talk to Cayleigh. We pray over her. She tongues some more. I have a little let down. She got some milk in her mouth. Then, I freak out a little bit. Her body tenses up and I put her out in front of me, head up in my hand. Her heartrate goes down just slightly for a second and then back up. O2 is normal. The other little number at the bottom of the monitor is normal. she's still tense. I'm watching her. I say "excuse me Ma'am" loudly. Cynthia comes over. She says she's fine. I tell her she had milk in her mouth. I dont see it anymore. Cynthia saw that and spit. Nothing is there. She swallowed it. It freaked me out - but *PRAISES*

The best gifts aren't always handed to us in a pretty 5x5 wrapped box with a big ribbon. Sometimes you gotta dig in the dirt, pull out a rock, hit it with a chisel and crack it open to find the gem. In other words, get freaked out a little bit (even though that's how it's supposed to happen) before you get the reward. Fear not for I am with you.

We wrap things up. Daddy kisses her. I kiss her. I kiss her again. I pick up her blanket and take a deep breath. Mmmmmm Cayleigh. Daddy laughs. I know, deep down and if the nurse wasnt looking, he woulda took a sniff too. He touches Cayleigh and say she is a little cold. Cynthia says ok, we'll get her warmed up. The plastic tube lid starts coming down. I get a little sad. I loved that time with her, freak out session and all.

We leave you with this... because it's one of the last images in our minds too as we left.

What a Day, Please Continue to Pray

It's the end of the day, 11:30 pm and we went to see our sweet Cayleigh this evening. She was drowsy during the visit but woke up (just like Daddy called it) at 9:30 as we were leaving. This seems to be her awake time. Yippee.

I held her during this visit and worked with her sucking/swallow/rooting reflex as best I could. A little milky on the finger seemed to get her, drowsy, attention long enough to get her to mildly suck. The swelling in her neck has gone done significantly in my opinion and I think I actually saw her swallowing a few times. *PRAISES*

I'd like to take this time to tell all of you who have been praying for our sweet Cayleigh that I am eternally grateful to you. I have no doubt in the power of prayer. I felt a strength that was not my own during this past, at times dark, week and I know it had nothing to do with me. I cried up until the Monday evening when I went to bed. Since then, I haven't really had a breakdown at all. This has nothing to do with me though - I am weak. I know it is through your prayers and God's merciful love that I've been able to get through. Nic & I both confessed to one another the lesson that the Lord clearly taught us during this trying time. Praise God.

We would ask that you would continue to pray. Tomorrow, we were asked to come to the hospital for a parents meeting with the doctor. This is going to be a time where we sit down and discuss where we go from here. I'd like to lift these areas up for prayer:

1. Increased Mobility: We would pray that Cayleigh begins to move all of her joints, and frequently, including her elbows and knees. We would love to see bending and less stiffness/rigidness in this sweet child of Christ.

2. Defined Reflexes: Here I'm asking that you'd pray for Cayleigh to begin responding to rooting. That her sucking & swallowing would take form completely and with strength that she will be able to swallow her own secretions and mommys nummy milk.

3. Increased Awareness & Crying: We'd also like to ask that the Lord would awaken our Cayleighs senses. That she would be more aware and that she'd be vocal. Yes, I want my baby to cry. I imagine this moment to be like hearing an angel sing. I'm sure it's right up there anyhow.

4. Going Home: We want our daughter home. Naturally, we'd love for 1-3 to be taken care of before that happens so that she is safe and healthy. But I really, really want my baby home and in my arms & crying & wanting to eat..alot. :)


So please, continue to pour out your prayers for our sweet girl. We ask everyone, from our waitress to the gas station attendant, to the nurses, to anyone who doesn't avoid talking to us overly excited folks to pray for our little girl. Spread to news. Add her to your prayer lists at church. Please, pray.

Thank you all again. We love you, we are thankful for you and we pray you are blessed.

For your enjoyment....

Let There Be Life

Mark 10:52 "And Jesus said to him, "Go, for your faith has healed you."....."
Friday, February 25, 2011

I wake up and start pumping (and not iron) and call to check on my Cayleigh bug. The nurse, Linda, answers the phone. I don't know her. She asks me which baby I am checking on and then for my 'secret number' aka bed number. I read it from the bracelet I still wear on my hand and she says OK Mom. She tells me bad news first. Cayleigh has had 6mls residual from this last feeding. My heart sinks a little. She only had 2 at her 2 am feeding, and 1 at her 5 am feeding. I ask her if she's drawn for jaundice. She says no. I tell her ok, that we'll be up & confirm that her next feeding is at 11:30. She says yes, provided she doesn't have a residual over 6.5 ml or, by doctors orders, she will have to 'hold' the feeding for an hour. Basically, delay it. I tell Nic the news and we are both kind of downhearted. For some reason I feel like that number is wrong. The nurse says she had taken a big poo too. She tells me that Cayleigh had a really big poo and that she'd lost a few ounces. Down to 5lbs 2 ounces when she weighed her. I wonder how this could be. She had gained alot of girth at the last measurement. I say ok, we'll be up. We hang up.

Today Nic, Juliette and I made the trip to the NICU. Nic & Juliette went to park the car and let me out at the front of the Patient Pavillion. I walked to the desk and the security guard started looking for my sweethearts name on the list...I checked my phone 11:31. I tell him that I'm about to miss my daughters feeding. I point to the badge I need on the desk and reach for it. I tell him I'm sorry for being rude but I've got my badge and I have to go. He says ok. I quickly, well as quick as a person who had surgery 8 days ago can shuffle her feet, walked to the elevator. 2nd floor. Ding.

I get out, make it through the NICU doors that had recently opened without having to wait for the buzzer, sign in, bypass the hand washing station and 'run'. Shuffle. Shuffle. Shuffle.

I make it to room 11. I see my sweetheart. She's under the light and on her left side. She looks insanely silly in those dark black sunglasses. The nurse sees me and opens the door. Baby in crib 1's daddy is standing by her plastic dome. I hear them talking about her going home today. I feel overjoyed for them. I say a little prayer for them and head to wash my hands and run them under the warm water. I wash them, use a sanitizing wipe on my phone and then wash them again. The middle aged, short blonde haired nurse tells me that she won't be Cayleighs nurse today. She introduces me to Linda.

Linda is a short, long blonde haired, older woman about my moms age (lol). She's standing at crib 1 and tells me she will be with me shortly. I ask if I can take Cayleighs temp. She says ok. I take her temp, putting finger in her little hand and talk to her. First thing I say is daddys message. Daddy is here, but he cant come upstairs because he is with Juliette in the lobby. But he loves you. I wait. 98.2. A good temp for under the armpit. I tell the nurse that I'm going to go ahead and change her diapy. Poo again. :) It's a happy time when there is poo because it means her little system is flushing out that jaundice. This time its not that dark merconium (?) but more of a dark, seedy poo. That means mommas breastmilk is working. I remember seedy, yellow poos when I breastfed Jacob. Its a healthy sign. Progress. I'll take it. All the while I'm talking to Cayleigh and telling her about Jesus, how He's promised her healing. I look, for the first time, and notice that above her right leg (the stiff one) there is a dark birthmark. I try to wipe it off just to make sure. Linda comes by and I ask her if she thinks this is a birthmark. She says that it is. Its brown. I tell her at that moment that it's confirmed. I continue changing the diaper and move on to cleaning her cord. Linda looks a little puzzled

I'm cleaning Cayleighs little lips with saline, although Linda has already taken care of this because they looks terrific and pink, and Linda asks what is confirmed. I tell her that the Lord has just confirmed to me that Cayleigh does not have Trisomy 18. That her leg is stiff because she was lying against me for so long with her leg up by her head. She asks if she was breech. I say yes, the entire pregnancy she was. She asks if I've received the genetic testing results yet. I tell her no, but I dont need them. The Lord has confirmed it. A little doubt tries to rise up and I squash it like a bug within an instant. Fear not for I am with you.

Then Linda says that she believes me. She thinks I will get happy news. Just then we hear the doctor. Linda says see, theres the doctor. He doesnt come over. Linda then begins the process of unhooking Cayleigh. She is working on her cannalus. The little hose thingy that pumps O2 into her nose. She tells me that she wont need that long. She says that she didnt have any apnea episodes last night. That if a baby doesnt have any apnea episodes for 5 days the can go home. I have never heard a nurse talking like that about my cayleigh. I'll take it.

She gets her unhooked and I ask if she's gotten results back for Cayleighs jaundice. She reviews the chart and says the doctor didnt order it. I am puzzled. She says that since her last results were 12.2 he is probably going to wait a day, then test tomorrow. If it comes back below 12, she is off the billirubin lights. (dang, no more song) She rambles on. I love rambling..today I do anyhow. She says that High Billirubin levels make a baby lethargic. That being under the UV lights makes a baby drowsy. I say like a tanning bed? She says yeah. I tell her God has just confirmed it again. She isn't lethargic and not moving because she is ill. She just had high billirubin levels. Firs time I'm hearing of it. She smiles.

12:09. Finally, I'm holding Cayleigh. I talk to her about Jesus. We pray. She is sleeping the entire time. She's not a morning person, and I dont blame her. I give her several kisses. A hug for Juliette. A kiss from Grandpa Dulik. I tell the nurse that I have to share with daddy. At 12:30 I have to go and ask if she can hold Cayleigh while I exchange with daddy. She says ok. Then says Oh, its 1230 now. DANG. I pray over Cayleigh and leave. Shuffle. Shuffle. Shuffle.

I head downstairs. LOTS of Red Light, Green Light with Juliette in the lobby. By the way, its not yellow, its orange. Red, Green Orange. Thats how she rolls. About 45 minutes later daddy comes downstairs. I think I've heard the gates of heaven open up. Hospital lobbies and 3 year olds just dont mesh. He got to hold her the entire time. He got his fix. :)

We head to Carters. I want to exchange some of the big sizes for Preemie and Newborn. I am confident my baby is coming home soon. Oh, buy 1 get 1 free sale. We're on it.

We stop off to Target for a video & pizza (It's Friday, pizza movie night in our house) and a bike lock for tayla. Tayla is riding her bike to school now. It's a sign of being mature dont you know? Well, kinda.

We're turning onto Mountain House Parkway. For the first time ever, my phone rings and it reads "1 Cayleigh NICU:. Why does it say 1 first? Because then it goes to the top of my phonebook in my phone. Thats how I roll. My heart sinks briefly. Squashed again. Fear Not for I am with you. Hello. Hi Mrs Dulik this is Bad Doctor (okay so he didnt say bad doctor). Yes hello. Mrs Dulik the genetic test came back and (without hesitating)and its normal. I gasp for air, cry a little. He continues to tell me that he is sorry. I stop him. I say that he diagnosed based on what he thought. Maybe it was the case but the Lord has healed our daughter. We've all been praying for her and thats why its normal. He says oh thats right the Lord healed her, yes. I say thank you doctor. Ok Mrs Dulik, we're going figure out the muscle tension but the test is fine. Thank you.

My husband cries. (Dont tell him I said that). I call my dad. I try to call my mom and got voicemail. I call my sister and got voicemail. I call my aunt Jean. My sister calls me and I tell her. I hug my husband. I blog.

By His stripes, she is healed.

My God, How I Praise Thee

My Lord, I praise you.
I have doubted. I have had times of darkness. But always, the light reminds me immediately of my faith.

There have been dark times but they have disappeared, My God. My sweet Cayleigh stuck her tongue out a couple times tonight. She winced up her face as if to cry... and then, she hiccuped. Lord thank you for her sweet little soul. thank you for the poopy diaper I was able to change. Thank you for the warmth of her skin. Thank you for her pink skintone and low jaundice levels. Thank you for her perfect little fingers and toes. Thank you for her outty belly button. Thank you Lord God that she is able to breathe with just oxygen assistance. Thank you that they turned the oxygen off for several seconds to reconnect it and her O2 levels stayed high on their own. Thank you for nurses who care for my sweetheart when I cannot. Thank you for a husband who adores his daughter, our 3 other children & wife. Thank you for your merciful sacrifice on the cross through which my daughter is healed. Thank you for Cayleighs bowels and kidneys that flush urine and poo through her little body with no assistance & perfectly. Thank you for her beautiful eyes that she keeps open so much longer now when we're together. Thank you Lord that I can speak to my baby girl about you. Lord thank you that when we leave the NICU with our perfectly healthy Cayleigh the nurses, doctors, other parents and anyone else around will know of You and give you the Glory. Thank you that my daughter likes it when I sing to her. Lord thank you that she opens her eyes and tenses her body when she & I talk to you. God thank you for a baby whose heart is performing all on its own and perfect. Father I thank you for a baby who is holding her body temperature well. God thank you for Cayleighs little arms that move every so often. Thank you for her hiccups and sneezes..they brighten my day. Thank you Lord for every hair on her head and for her being here to bless us. Father, thank you for her complete healing of which I claim in your name & with all authority through you over my Cayleigh Jean. Lord, I thank you for Cayleighs continued progress. I thank you for her beautiful spirit. I thank you that you would choose me to be her mother. I thank you that you are a good, good God.

Glory Be to God

Thursday, February 24 2011

Cayleigh Jean is 1 week old as of 5:31 pm today


I got dressed this morning, looked in the mirror and felt like this is going to be a really special day. I didn't know why, I just felt it in my spirit. And so, Nic, my mother, Juliette & myself made our, twice daily, 1 hour trip up to see our beautiful Cayleigh Jean. It is a chilly day here with a little sprinkling on the way but by no means comparible to what our friends and family on the East coast are experiencing lately - so praises to the Lord for that in itself. I can't imagine trying to make the trip in the snow....especially in California.

We arrive at the hospital just in the nick of time for her feeding! Praises to God that I can now walk upright & a tiny bit faster than I have to date since the surgery. I checked in & got my NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) visitors badge and proceeded up the elevator as Nic parked the car & my mom sat with Juliette in the downstairs lobby area.

To give you a sense of where our beautiful little girl is at you can check out the Patient Pavillion by clicking. It's a very bright, airy place with 3 levels that is specifically for Labor & Delivery, Adult ICU and the NICU. There's a security officer at the front where you have to check in. Each level is locked out by doors that you have to gain access to by calling in through a security camera maintained communicator. It's a beautiful and bright place where you can feel the love of friends and family who come to visit.

I arrived on the 2nd level and checked in again, washed up and headed to Cayleighs new room. She had been moved yesterday to a room 2 doors down from her initial site because they were cleaning the room where she and her 'roommates" were located. I arrive in room 11 and I'm greeted by a very friendly NICU Front Line Supervisor, Sharon, who is a warm, mid 50's black woman that is currently at the 1st 'crib' taking care of a newer arrival. She's training a tall, slim blonde with long straight hair who has a terrific smile. they both say hello to me and I immediately feel at ease. Then I see our nurse-of-the-day, I forget her name, who is an Asian woman about my moms age. She is very, very nice and I feel at ease with her because she seems to know her stuff. She's good at handling all of the wires, tubes, machines and whatnot that my Cayleigh is currently using. As I come in she asks me my name (first time besides TJ that a nurse took the time to care to know) and welcomes me. She asks me if I want to change Cay's diaper and I say yes. I get very excited as I see my baby because her color looks SO good today! I walk to the sink and wash my hands again, running them under hot water because they are too cold, in my opinion, to be handling my baby girl.

I walk to the crib where the nurse is busy checking vitals and she's using the suction thingy for Cayleigh's nose. She tells me she saw a booger and wants it out. I hear her sniffing her own nose & she smiles, looks at me and says she wants to blow it out for her. I smile. She uses a little saline but this thing is being a pain, its pretty high up there. Then, without my saying much, we both seem to notice in tandem that Cay's lips are really, really dry. She tells me she is going to moisturize those precious lips. She asks Ms. Sharon if she has a saline wipe. Ms Sharon hands us the wipe and heads back to Crib 1. I hear her telling the baby girl there that she has 'the most amazing eyes' she's seen. Success! I see the booger suck into the tube - and man was it big. I feel very happy because I figure it was probably bothering Cay but she couldn't do anything about it. Nurse was anticipating her needs and feeling what she felt I thought. She continues and tells me to go ahead and change her. Nic walks in the door just then behind Crib 1's momma and daddy. The mom has had a c-section recently..she and dad are both in street clothes so I know they've been discharged too. Mom has the 1st day sad look on her face and all over her spirit. Dad rubs her back as she sits down and puts her hand through the holes in the isolette. I look at Nic & he says not to stare. I wanted to give her a hug. Instead, I smile and tell her that her baby is beautiful.

Back to Cayleigh, the nurse already has gauze pads wet for me and in the crib to change her. I feel like she anticipated my needs now too. So I change Cay's diapy and she's got alot of pee. A good sign - bowel and urine movements mean the jaundice is flushing out of her system. Nic asks if she's pooped? Nurse checks and says yes, then another supervisor nurse - who we've seen before many times- a middle aged, dark skinned black woman with long braids and glasses comes over. I like her. She's funny. She says "oh yes daddy, she had some BIG poops this morning!". We both smile. She makes me happy. She always wears bright color scrubs and is just as nice as can be. Daddy is happy. He asks "two poops?" and shes says no, just a really big one. :)

Before we change her diaper, I clean Cayleighs cord with alcohol wipes and then put a new diaper, unclosed, on her. Then the nurse comes and uses a tape measurer to see how big her belly is. She weighs 5 lbs 7 ounces today. Jaundice level is down to 12.2 (I think). Only 2.2 before she is in normal range. Her skin looks pink, perfect. I notice that the sucked in part i often see as she inhales between her breast plates (the sternum area) is barely sucked in. She seems to be breathing easier. This enlightens me.

Now it's time to feed Cay. The nurse gets some of my milk and puts it in the syringe. She then begins the procedure of getting Cay out of her plastic bed. The lid raises up by machine. Then there are the cords. My Nic says that only I can manage to get cords severely tangled up without trying... I think my daughter has me beat. The nurse manages to finesse the cords in such a way that Cay is freed, swaddled ever so slightly in a receiving blanket. Its the white one with a pink and blue striped border that all hospitals use. I've taken one of Cayleighs just to smell her when I was in the hospital. Don't tell.

I sit down and get ready for the moment I enjoy more than most these days. She brings me my baby and I hold her in my arms. I place her head on my upper arm so I can see her face. Nic sits down next to me and we pray over her. We speak life over our child. I thank the Lord for having her for 1 week today, for the progress we've made, for good color, that she had only 1 ml of residual come back and she's already up to 13 ml on her feedings. The nurse then comes over with the syringe, hooks Cay up and proceeds to hold it. Nic and I look at each other. He reads my mind. He asks whether the nurse is going to have the pump feed the baby. The 30 minute cycle is what she usually gets. We thought the machine would be feeding her. The doctor, I call him Bad Doctor (but thats not nice) is nearby, and he comes over. He says, in very broken english and a thick Asian accent, something to the effect that she doesn't need the machine now. Nurse relays that she doesn't need the machine and that it's acutally better she does it. This way if any air is going to come back it just does - instead of getting into her belly and having it machine pushed back up again in a 'burp'. I think thats solid wisdom and am ok with it. I like her.

A few moments later Cay's feeding is done. During which time I'm working on trying to get her to root by rubbing my finger on the outside corners of her lips. I do this about 10 times then move to the center of her lips. I push with slight pressure, downward and in a rythmatic fashion. This is to simulate a nipple. I learned a bit from the Jennifer (the speech therapist) the other day. I do this a few times as well, then I put my finger in her mouth and begin rubbing the top of her mouth from the inside toward the outside. her little tongue touches my finger a few times. Good job baby girl. Daddy and I are talking to her during this time.

I bring up my facebook to begin speaking the verses my friends and family members have posted on my status. I asked if they knew any Promises from the Lord. The did. :) I read each one out loud to Cayleigh. Then, I begin speaking to her. I take her head in my hand and put her out in front of me. I watch the monitors for a few minutes and make sure she's ok.

I begin praying for her again. By His stripes she is healed. I claim it. I claim life. I say take up your mat and walk. Your faith has healed you. I feel her body tense up and she sort of opens her right eye. I get Holy Spirit goosebumps. At this point i'm just in constant prayer (and for the remaining 30 minutes - daddy didnt get a word in edgewise). I continue repeating that by His stripes She is Healed. That the Lord says to her she is healed this day. That she is to take up her mat and walk. That her faith, our faith, has healed her. I tell her today she will cry. Today she will swallow. Within minutes Nic and I look at each other and we see her swallow. Not once, twice. I keep talking to her. I don't know what I said because the Spirit said it. She winces up her face,several times to cry. She is going to cry today. Nic says her feeding tube looks like its fallnig out - he rubs the tape the holds it on and it doesnt stick. I tell him she isn't going to need the tube anymore. I tell her Fear Not For I am with you. By His Stripes She is Healed. I sing to her. I pray. She continues to wince her face and I feel we are to the very very edge of her making noise. I am told she will cry. During this entire time, she kept at least 1 eye open. At times, both. This is the most coherent she has ever been for me. She is listening to me. I ask her if Jesus is talking to her. She looks like she's staring off to the left. I ask her if she sees Jesus. I tell her that Jesus says she is healed. Today is that day. She will prove doctors wrong. She will baffle them. She is a child of God. She is His and He is her shepard. Though she walks through the valley of the shadows of death she will not fear for he is her shepard and he is all powerful. She's still awake. I have goosebumps almost the entire time. She senses His presence too. When two or more are gathered there also He will be. Then I hear Nic telling me she needs to be put back soon. Twice during the time I had her close on my skin her heart rate decelerated a little bit. When we were speaking to our Lord, she was stable. I tell her that She will be a Testimony to Those who Dont believe. She is healed.

Daddy mentions to me that I hogged her today. I told him we were talking to Jesus. Daddy kisses her sweet head. I tell her to go to sleep and rest because when she wakes up its time to cry. She closes her little eyes. She's tired. I kiss her sweet head. She is amazing.

Nurse comes and takes her to put her back in her plastic bin. I don't feel sad. I tell Nurse we will be back after Jacob & Tayla's science fair today. We will be attending and we are so proud of them. We tell Cayleigh how much we love her. Daddy needs some holding time, I see it in him. Tonight, he will have his time. <3

Daddy leaves to go get the breastmilk out of the van. I'd pumped on the way over and we (he) forgot to bring it in. I tell him ok, and tell the nurse my mom will be coming up. I tell her that she's worse than me. I don't think she hears me. At least I warned her.

We walk downstairs together. We relive her swallowing. We both know it seemed like that cry was going to come out of her several times. I tell him she is healed. I know it.

We get in the elevator and head to the lobby. Nic goes outside and I tell my mom its her turn. She's up like a rabbit and disappears into the elevators. Juliette wants to go up. She can't. but she wants to. I remind her daddy is going to bring in her chocolate milk from the van and all is well.

Today is a good day. Today is a miracle & so is Cayleigh Jean Dulik.

Feels like a Fairytale..

Wednesday, February 23 2011

This entire situation feels like a fairytale. From the fact that the main character is a Princess & a daughter of The King, to the story telling I'm trying to do here so that I can actually compose myself enough to share with anyone, to the wishing I knew the end of the story but I know that God is in control & that there is a Happily Ever After.

Today was not a good day and it's only 2:38 pm. Granted, Daddy & I got to go visit Cayleigh at the hospital today and were able to hold her (in shifts because Juliette was with us & isn't allowed onto the NICU floor) and speak with the Speech Therapist, Jennifer.

For infants or preemies with feeding issues a Speech Therapist works with the child and their family in order to teach them how to feed. At this point, Cayleigh has no rooting reflex - which Jennifer tells me is somewhat rare. This is disheartening for me and I feel my stomach knot up a little bit. Daddy was working with her first (with jennifer at his side) and they reported that Cayleigh did suckle the pacifier a bit. (PRAISES) That's a wonderful thing. She just needs to start swallowing so that we can make progress.

You know its hard to be in the NICU, surrounded by other babies who are also ill, and watch them eating bottles, crying, moving about. My sweet angel is relatively still, but she moves her arms and is working on that. Daddy says she had her eyes open too and was looking at him while he was holding her and working with her. I, however, came up at the end and my princess was pretty lethargic. It's just so hard for me right now.

When you get ready to have a baby you make sure you are prepared. You buy the car seat (check), the crib (check), cute bedding set (check), diapers (check), dresser/changing table (check), clothes (check) and on and on. You install the carseat before you go to the hospital so that you're ready for that bundle of joy when you leave. You call everyone you know and share the exciting news.

Noone expects to leave the hospital empty handed. Noone prepares you to walk through the doors you came in while in labor without your baby in your arms. Nobody talks about Intensive Care Units when they talk about how exciting it is to have a baby. You can't be prepared to watch your baby hooked up to machines. You can't be prepared to only be able to hold your baby Twice a day for Thirty minutes. Noone can prepare you for hearing your baby doesn't seem to be suck/swallowing so she needs the Green Tube for nutrients. How can you be prepared to sit in your bed and pump breastmilk for your baby, staring at her pictures on your computer...alot of thoughts I have. How can anyone be prepared for that? And the hush hush thing doesn't help. I want to talk about it. I just don't want people to speak negative about my daughter. it upsets me.

I do not do well being in the NICU with Cayleigh by myself. I pray with her and talk to her and gaze at her.. but I am always, always overwhelmed and become very emotional. I have thoughts that would give in to the Bad Doctor initial thoughts on what was ailing Cayleighbug and then I get angry with myself - I will not give in to the enemy. I rebuke them and I pray. I am at war with myself.

My sweet Nic. He sees me sad and he always, always asks whats wrong. I want to share, but I do not want to dishearten him either. I don't 'feel' the way I sometimes think. I have a great Faith in the Lord. But I feel at times its not strong enough. I hope that I am praying right. That I say the right thing. I cry out to the Lord all the time. I know he hears me. I am just in a fog. Life is cloudy. My husband is my rock right now. He is my very best friend. I feel that I don't ask him how he is feeling enough. I feel like I've failed in that I cannot control feeling disheartened at times and so I end up emotional and praying and rebuking. It's a repetative cycle lately.

I've been in prayer alot. alot alot. I wish I knew how to pray better. I ask everyone to pray for Cayleigh. The waitress at Black Bear Diner. The department head at the insurance company I spoke to. Klove. Church. You. Everyone and anyone. The more who pray the more I pray she's ok.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is Thursday. Tomorrow is the day the doctor(s) think that the test will come back. I pray its negative. I believe it. Then I doubt myself. I don't doubt God, I doubt me. How do I cope with that? I don't want Him to think I doubt Him. I pray that I trust. I pray for strength. I pray for a negative result. Its gut wrenching.

She is my world. She is my small, beautiful, fraile world. I need her like I need the air I breathe. Please pray.

The Next Few Days

The next few days are a fog... that Thursday I got put into a (nice) post partum room not long after going into the recovery room. The only reason I stayed in recovery as long as I had to was because there wasn't a bed available yet. As far as being 'recovered' from the anesthesia, well, I was wiggling my toes when I came out of surgery.

So I get rolled to the room and they inflate the bed again like a life raft. I look around this small room and I'm happy to see they have a moderately sized 'comfy' pull out couch thing for Nic. We also have a large flat screen tv and private bath. It's like a little apartment .... except for all the machines and nurses and people bothering you all the time. Oh, and then there are the sounds of babies crying all the time. That, in itself, was the very hardest thing to deal with. I'd be torn between being stricken with sadness when I'd hear a baby cry & talking myself out of it and into praising God for that new life. There was alot of praying.

I got the smallest amount of sleep I've ever had while in the hospital. Literally a nurse would come in, then a welcome person, then a birth certificate person, then the person taking my order for food, then the blood draw person (saw them more than I wanted to), then housekeeping (they want to fluff my pillow) and whoever else decided they wanted to walk their happy a##es into my room in just enough time to prevent me from ever falling asleep.

I don't remember at what point I heard, I think it was from Nic, that the doctor had sent off for testing for Trisomy 18 for Cayleigh. I hear that 90% of babies with this horrible disease do not live longer than 1 year. Many do not make it through the first week. Nic had the nurse give him a print out - which I didn't read - and he'd brought it to our room. I rebuked it, and I still do. I claim Life over my sweet baby girl. I have never been so certain in all of my life but to trust in God and that He didn't have this disease in mind for our Cayleigh. Despite the pain, I went to go see my sweet girl that first day in NICU. They wheeled me up and I fell in love with this tiny little bundle. Despite all of her valves, wires and pipes she looked perfect to me. I hear the words 'she doesn't look right' and 'she has low set ears, the forehead doesn't look right' and things like that over the next day. I finally meet her doctor. I look at him and say "Low set ears? You mean like this?" and I move my hair to show my low set ears. I say "Small sloped forhead? You mean like this?" and I point to my small sloped forhead. They were also concerned about her left leg. They say the bones may be stiff or fused. That didn't look normal - but we prayed.

With the help of an outstanding nurse (TJ) who showed us some physical therapy we could do with her leg, her leg has since become completely normal. (PRAISES) Cut back to the doctor standing near my babies plastic incubator. I give him a look as if to relay the message "do NOT speak about my child like that". I put hands on Cayleigh and I pray. I claim life for my child, I talk to her and tell her to get healthy.


While I visit my daughter I learn she has jaundice. The level is 14 and normal range high is 10. They put a small UV light over her 'chamber'. She has on these little black glasses and I laugh... I immediately here the chorus "I wear my sunglasses at night" and I make up a song. It is to the same tune but the words are a little different.. " I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can be in the billirubin light". The next day her level goes up to 15.2. They add a Billirubin blanket. this little glowing blue pad that lay under her in the plastic kingdom she currently resides in. It makes her pee glow when I change her diaper. I lay hands on her and pray. The next day its down slightly to 14 again. As of this current moment they haven't received results back on her current levels. We're certain it will be low again and then completely resolved sooner than later.


For the first 2 days they tell me she doesn't need to be feeding yet because she has an IV. The third day and after she will get her feedings through the 'green tube' because she doesn't have a sucking reflex (yet). The tube goes into her mouth and down to her stomach. I hate the green tube. I take a picture of daddy feeding her for the first time. It's a process to get her hooked up. Initially, the nurse or us would hold the little tube to determine the rate at how fast the food is intaken. Then nurses change. I notice that each nurse is giving her the food at different rates and it bothers me. My husband speaks to the Dr and suddenly she's on a machine that determines the rate & time it takes to dispurse the food. I feel better about that.



As she's in her little plastic bed they decide to start laying her on her belly. This way she gets some therapy in bending her legs, etc. The first day they do so I notice that she has several bruises and scratch marks all over her back. From her neck to her upper butt. Bruises and scratch marks? The nurse tells me they've been there since her birth. The doctor. He had pushed so hard and whatnot that he, apparently, bruised and scratched my babies sweet back. Anger. Fury. Prayer.

From that Friday through Monday I go through a buffet of narcotics. I'm given a variety of medications for pain. We're talking I started with a morphine drip *click here for lala land*, then I asked that be removed so I could go see my baby. They start me on Viocodin, Motrin 600, Percocets, Ultram, Morphine Liquid, something that started with a T via shot and more. They keep mixing it up because they don't want me to go over my 'aspirin' intake. I don't reject the pain meds. I'm in alot of pain.

They come check my wound semi-often. They push on my stomach to check my uterus, the look at the incision. They always give me an AB Pad to absorb the moisture. Let's face it, when you have had 4 c-sections, there's a little extra skin down there and it can get a little sweaty when you move around unintentionally. It's nothing 5000 sit ups cant fix again, but for now it requires me and my AB Pad to become close.

The food. well, it sucked. Next paragraph

The date of release. Monday, February 23. To Be Continued

Thursday, February 17th 2011

Do Not Read This If You Are Having a C-Section Soon
Please Be Aware This Rarely Happens


Thursday, February 17

10:30 a.m. Nic & I arrived at Dr. Savage's office for our weekly NST (non-stress test). This is basically just a 20-30 minute time of monitoring both the fetal heartbeat as well as any contractions I might be having.

At nearly the end of 20 minutes I notice that there are several contractions indicated. The last one I had as Dr. Savage walked in the door and it was a little uncomfortable. He checks me, not dialated at all - but he wants me to go to the hospital to be monitored.

11:30 am Nic and I arrive at St. Josephs hospital in Sotckton. With Juliette in tow we finally figure out where Labor & Delivery is & attempt to check in. No sooner had we entered in between the 'gated' double doors than we were told by the registration woman that no children could go beyond that point. Nic, Me, Juliette. Noone available to watch her - almost an hour from home. We finally decide to leave Juliette with the nurse for 10 minutes so that Nic can know where my room is at when he comes back. I get hooked up to monitors (again) and Nic leaves to take Juliette to Nonny.

12:00 ish Suddenly, I'm having pretty regular contractions. They begin coming 2 1/2 minutes apart.

12:30 The nurse comes in, she has been instructed to give me fluids. They believe that with fluids I will stop contracting - unless it's real labor. Being dehyrdated can cause contractions (I'm told)

1:00 Nurse comes in, brings a 2nd bag of fluids. This time there is some sugar in it - they've just taken my blood sugar and it was 70. She tells me the contractions may begin to slow - but at this point they are still 2 1/2 minutes apart.

1:30 Nic arrives. He's dropped Juliette off with Nonny. He's still not excited because he thinks we may get sent home. FYI 3 months ago I told Nic I'd have this baby on February 17th (lol)

2:00 Contractions are now coming 45 seconds apart.

2:30 Doctor Redding comes in (from the same practice) and checks me. I'm 2 centimeters. He says that it looks like we're going to have the baby today. Tells the nurse to prep for surgery.

3:00ish Heart sinks. I start praying. Nic calls his family, I call mine. Now Nic is excited

4:00 ish The anesthesiologist comes in. She is a small, frail looking Asian woman who's left side of her face is paralyzed. Nic and I exchange glances. I remind myself not to judge. I can barely understand her but I try to follow along the conversation. she's been doing this since 1988. That gives me some comfort.

4:55 Nic gives me a kiss goodbye. I get a sinking feeling as I'm rolled to the operating room. The hospital looks so small and old. But it's supposed to be a grade A hospital.

5:00pm The time may be of on these since I'm going back in time - but right around this point they have me in the Operating Room. It's very small, wooden floors, and its hot. I feel a little light headed. Nervous. Everyone in the room is a small Asian woman I notice. I don't feel comfortable.

5:15 ish I'm laying on the operating table and the anesthesiologist is talking to me asking if I can feel 'this'. She pokes me with what looks like a toothpick and says it should be sharp feeling. she pokes my shoulder and it doesn't hurt it just feels like something touching me. she pokes me upper stomach and it feels the same way. I don't feel like I'm numb yet though and I test this by wiggling my feet. they wiggle

5:20ish I'm still laying down. I can still move my feet, I can even move my left leg. I wonder if I'll be number soon. I think I've asked the anesthesiologist but I'm extremely tired suddenly. The lady asks if I'm ok. I don't feel right I say to her. The monitor starts flashing. Blood pressure is 70/48. She tells me to stay calm and she had given me some medicine to bring up my blood pressure. I stay relaxed since I can't comprehend what she's said. I look again at the monitor and it's back up to 114 over something I can't see. I can still wiggle my feet.

Soon after.. Dr Redding and the assistant are in the room. They're all talking amongst one another. I feel nausea. I feel spinny. I keep wondering if I'm numb. I hear the anethesiologist ask Dr Redding if he's "tested" me. I don't hear a response. Suddenly I feel a little poke. She tells me 'they've begun' and I assume that I must be numb. She tells me I will feel some pushing and maybe pinching. I do feel pushing. Dr Redding is pushing hard against my right side (he's standing on that side) as he's performing surgery. It's just him leaning against me but its heavy and I feel that. Everyone is still talking. Suddenly I feel a pinch. I feel a cut. I feel pain. My feet are moving. My left leg is moving. I feel pain. I tell her I feel pain. I say ouch. They all ask "where do you feel pain" I tell them in my stomach. They ask me what I feel. But they don't stop. I tell her I feel cutting. I feel like someone is cutting me. My leg is now lifting. I hear the Dr saying 'her leg is moving' 'she's pushing her intestines out' Suddenly I'm getting a mask over my face. She tells me this is just oxygen. I begin breathing. I dont like the mask because I feel sufffocated. I try to move my head away. Then she lifts it off. She asks am I ok. I can feel whats going on but I don't care. I do care but I cant respond. It suddenly hurts really badly again. Someone is holding my feet. I wince and I think I cry out a bit. I get the mask again. Its covering my face and she is telling me to breathe deeply. she asks me if I want to be awake when Cayleigh comes out. I tell her I do - at least I think it. I'm not sure what happened but I had a mask on my face, I look over and suddenly the nurse is showing my my baby. I can hear the doctor saying its a girl and nurses talking. I am awake. I'm just unable to react. I tell her to turn her because I can only see the side of her face. She isnt crying but she is beautiful. The nurse says its ok. She is breathing. She just needs some help. I feel pain again. It rips across my body. It burns like I'm on fire. I strain. I feel my leg kick up. The mask is over my face again. I cry to her to please give me more gas. Make me sleep.

It's dark. I awaken in what seems like seconds. I'm waiting to feel pain. It appears the surgeons are done. The nurses are moving me to another bed now. They blow up the thing I'm laying on and its like a raft. They lift me and I'm wheeled to another room. I'm alone. just the nurse and me.

Several moments go by. I'm trying remember what happened. I don't remember hearing the baby cry. I don't remember anything really except the pain. The pain hurt. I didn't hurt right now though and thats what matters. I feel like I've just dreamt

About a half hour later Nic comes in. The look on his face. I know him. He's upset. He tells me the doctor says something isn't normal with her. She's in NICU. He stays for a couple of moments and then says he is going to go back to Cayleigh. I tell him ok.

I'm left in my thoughts. Empty room. Low lights. Several beds. Machines making noise. Just the nurse and I. Waiting.