Feels like a Fairytale..

Wednesday, February 23 2011

This entire situation feels like a fairytale. From the fact that the main character is a Princess & a daughter of The King, to the story telling I'm trying to do here so that I can actually compose myself enough to share with anyone, to the wishing I knew the end of the story but I know that God is in control & that there is a Happily Ever After.

Today was not a good day and it's only 2:38 pm. Granted, Daddy & I got to go visit Cayleigh at the hospital today and were able to hold her (in shifts because Juliette was with us & isn't allowed onto the NICU floor) and speak with the Speech Therapist, Jennifer.

For infants or preemies with feeding issues a Speech Therapist works with the child and their family in order to teach them how to feed. At this point, Cayleigh has no rooting reflex - which Jennifer tells me is somewhat rare. This is disheartening for me and I feel my stomach knot up a little bit. Daddy was working with her first (with jennifer at his side) and they reported that Cayleigh did suckle the pacifier a bit. (PRAISES) That's a wonderful thing. She just needs to start swallowing so that we can make progress.

You know its hard to be in the NICU, surrounded by other babies who are also ill, and watch them eating bottles, crying, moving about. My sweet angel is relatively still, but she moves her arms and is working on that. Daddy says she had her eyes open too and was looking at him while he was holding her and working with her. I, however, came up at the end and my princess was pretty lethargic. It's just so hard for me right now.

When you get ready to have a baby you make sure you are prepared. You buy the car seat (check), the crib (check), cute bedding set (check), diapers (check), dresser/changing table (check), clothes (check) and on and on. You install the carseat before you go to the hospital so that you're ready for that bundle of joy when you leave. You call everyone you know and share the exciting news.

Noone expects to leave the hospital empty handed. Noone prepares you to walk through the doors you came in while in labor without your baby in your arms. Nobody talks about Intensive Care Units when they talk about how exciting it is to have a baby. You can't be prepared to watch your baby hooked up to machines. You can't be prepared to only be able to hold your baby Twice a day for Thirty minutes. Noone can prepare you for hearing your baby doesn't seem to be suck/swallowing so she needs the Green Tube for nutrients. How can you be prepared to sit in your bed and pump breastmilk for your baby, staring at her pictures on your computer...alot of thoughts I have. How can anyone be prepared for that? And the hush hush thing doesn't help. I want to talk about it. I just don't want people to speak negative about my daughter. it upsets me.

I do not do well being in the NICU with Cayleigh by myself. I pray with her and talk to her and gaze at her.. but I am always, always overwhelmed and become very emotional. I have thoughts that would give in to the Bad Doctor initial thoughts on what was ailing Cayleighbug and then I get angry with myself - I will not give in to the enemy. I rebuke them and I pray. I am at war with myself.

My sweet Nic. He sees me sad and he always, always asks whats wrong. I want to share, but I do not want to dishearten him either. I don't 'feel' the way I sometimes think. I have a great Faith in the Lord. But I feel at times its not strong enough. I hope that I am praying right. That I say the right thing. I cry out to the Lord all the time. I know he hears me. I am just in a fog. Life is cloudy. My husband is my rock right now. He is my very best friend. I feel that I don't ask him how he is feeling enough. I feel like I've failed in that I cannot control feeling disheartened at times and so I end up emotional and praying and rebuking. It's a repetative cycle lately.

I've been in prayer alot. alot alot. I wish I knew how to pray better. I ask everyone to pray for Cayleigh. The waitress at Black Bear Diner. The department head at the insurance company I spoke to. Klove. Church. You. Everyone and anyone. The more who pray the more I pray she's ok.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is Thursday. Tomorrow is the day the doctor(s) think that the test will come back. I pray its negative. I believe it. Then I doubt myself. I don't doubt God, I doubt me. How do I cope with that? I don't want Him to think I doubt Him. I pray that I trust. I pray for strength. I pray for a negative result. Its gut wrenching.

She is my world. She is my small, beautiful, fraile world. I need her like I need the air I breathe. Please pray.