Our Last night visiting St. Joseph's Hospital
Nic and I were finally able to head up to the hospital tonight around 7 to see Cayleigh. Earlier in the day Nic picked up the cake, we went to church, came home and cleaned up and then headed to Juliette's birthday party. It was a really nice time of fellowship with our family and some friends we consider family. Juliette got a great assortment of dolls and things she loves...and she had a great time. What else could you hope for? We came home, stayed long enough to put everybody to bed (early bedtime tonight since there was no nap & they have school tomorrow) and then headed off to Stockton.
I don't know about the weather across the USA, but here it was downright poopy. It was rainy and just plain yucky out. However, we arrived at our destination in one piece and made our way up to Cayleighs floor. Rhonda was Cayleighs nurse tonight. It didn't dawn on me until Nic said "Goodbye ladies. Thanks for watching over her for us. This is our last night here" as we were leaving that it hit me that this is her last night at St Josephs.
Nic mentioned in the car as we were leaving that he partially doesn't want Cayleigh to leave St Joseph's. He says that he feels comfortable there. I don't say anything but I think a part of me agrees with that. However, I'm beyond happy that she is going to go to a place where they can diagnose her and get her home. That, for me, is better than tiramasu from Olive Garden. (mmm..pasta) I digress.
So tonight we arrived right as Cayleigh had begun her feeding. Nic asked if we can still hold her since she had started it and Rhonda says it shouldn't be a problem. In my mind I'm thinking "Tess had me hold her yesterday while she ate. It's not a problem". I know, not the nicest thought to have but I've confessed it and I feel better now.
I unbuttoned my blouse a bit and take my daughter in my arms. I put her head under my chin and I start stroking her little back. She is wrapped up like a bean burrrito. I don't realize it until I hold her just how little she is. She's tiny. Like a little doll. Nic asked Rhonda to check her weight. 6 lbs 1 oz she tells us. She lost 10 grams but it didn't affect her ounces so it doesn't affect her weight.
I stroke her back, her hair, her head, and I pat her butt. I run my chin through her hair and sniff her head. I know, its weird, but I do. Tess had told us earlier in the day when we'd called that she gave Cayleigh a bath. I take a deep sniff of her hair and I don't smell any 'baby' shampoo smell. Just clean. No scent. I tell Cayleigh that if she comes home I will give her a bubble bath with good smelling stuff. I talk to her about her bathtub and the little mesh chair we got for her to sit on while she is in it. I am a little sad that I wasn't the one to give her her first bath. Actually, I'd been feeling pretty much miserable about her not being connected to me as she should be at this stage because of her hospital stay.
I hold Cayleigh through her feeding, through the 1/2 hour afterwards that she needs to be upright so she doesn't reflux and a short time after. I pray over her. I read scriptures and confessions. I speak life. I ask the angels of Jesus Christ to surround and protect her from the enemy. I pray for her to have peace and feel loved. I sing Jesus Loves You (basically Jesus loves me, except with you) and a few other songs. I sing Nick Knack Paddy Whack. I start singing my infamous lullabye & goodnight song and hear Rhonda tell Nic that when I was singing that last night she started getting sleepy. She mentions that was when a break nurse came in and asked who wanted to go on break and she'd volunteered. lol
While I'm holding her, Rhonda brings Nic the paperwork to sign for them to transport Cayleigh tomorrow. Nic asks some questions. Rhonda seems to be of the impression that I might be allowed to ride in the ambulance with Cayleigh. She says it depends on how many people are in the 'crew'. If nothin else, she says, we can just follow them. This directly goes against what anothe nurse had said - so I suppose we'll wait and see. We ask that they call us as soon as they know when Cayleigh is going to be transported. We want to be there just in case they have room for 1 more. :)
Afte my time I hand her off to daddy. He sits with her and rubs his chin against her head. Daddy doesn't talk much while he holds her. He just takes the time to enjoy feeling her close, holding her, protecting her. She has him wrapped around her finger already.
While Nic is holding Cayleigh she wakes up just a little bit. That lullabye I'd sung her had her our for the count. Cayleigh's eyes are open and now she's looking at the light on the ceiling. She seems to really like the lights. I tell Nic that I think she likes the lights so much because of all the time she was under the billirubin lights with those black glasses on. She couldn't see anything. Now, she can. I bet its amazing to her. I tell her I will buy her a bright aquarium thing for her crib. Nic, at several points, had his head on her chin and she lifted her head, trying to get around his head to see her light. Nic said "Well, excuse me for blocking your light". Comedy.
While he's holding her I lean forward and lay my head on his chest, close to her face. I begin talking to her and, ever so slowly, she begins to try to focus on my face. My heart melted faster than crayola crayons in the backseat on a summer day. I must have sat like that, just walking to her, my head on his chest for a half hour. It was amazing. I lifted my head a few times and Nic told me to just stay there and talk to her.
Tonight was amazing. Today was amazing. The fact that it feels like all we have left is to figure out what is preventing Cayleigh from swallowing, sucking and having no gag reflex is exciting. I want her home with me. I need her. So does Daddy. We need her. We are blessed to have her & look forward to her crying her heart out, waking up at all hours of the night and, quite simply, being able to go to her crib and scoop her up into our arms.
If you have a little one you can go touch, kiss, smell... then treasure that. You are truly, truly blessed. Even when they have boogers that need wiped, tempers that need taming or rooms that need to be cleaned (for the 100th time)... you are blessed.
And though Nic & I aren't currently able to go and do those things with our sweetheart, Cayleigh Jean, we are nevertheless blessed. Remember that life is never going to be easy. Circumstances are going to be difficult. What matters though is not what your circumstances are, but the way you handle them. In all things, give the glory to God.
Prayer Request
Please pray that during the transfer Cayleigh is totally at peace and comfortable. Pray that her transportation is safe, that the UCSF hospital staff are knowledgeable, that they are able to diagnose and treat her quickly so that she can come home soon. Pray for normal stats & that she is free from illness. Thank you all, we love you
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