My unwished Wish come true

Friday, March 4th, 2011
I just typed February and then backspaced & realized it's not February anymore
Yesterday was the day Cayleigh was scheduled to be born via c-section
Her gestational age is approximately 37 weeks

This blog is probably going to be a bit short. It's 8:31 pm on Friday. Tonight, I made dinner for the kids and even baked chocolate chip cookies (from a tub) that I served with nice cold milk. I told the kids it was time to go upstairs to bed. Juliette lagged behind and 'helped' me make myself some popcorn and then accompanied me upstairs. I walk into the kids' rooms and find each of them sound asleep in their beds. Not only that, but I walked into the bathroom to find the toothpaste out & 2 toothbrushes actually left on the counter -evidence that they may actually have gone to bed without arguement, stayed in bed AND brushed their teeth. *PRAISES*

I'm feeling a little under the weather but I think that is solely due to me feeling so run down. I'm tired inside & outside if that makes any sense - if it doesnt then ask me later, when I'm 'awake' from all of this.

This morning Nic & I went up to the hospital. We had called several times over the evening and in the early morning. Each time, Cayleigh was doing well. No A's & D's, no reflux and nothing exciting. I LOVE nothing exciting. *PRAISES*

We get to the hospital and Nic dropped me off at the front doors and tells me to go ahead upstairs and spend time with Cayleigh. He & Juliette head off in the van to park. I walk inside, the guard 'knows' me and asks "NICU?". Yep. Ok, have a nice visit. Thanks I say and I walk to the elevators. 2nd floor. You know the drill.

I get to Cayleighs room and see Tess. I feel myself take a sigh. I love Tess. She's an older, short, petitie Asian woman who wears glasses. She has a thick accent but it's also very clear. I adore her secretly. I'd like to put her in a box and take her home. lol She's just so very sweet. She seems to me to be a 'rule breaker' and has told me in the past that 'mom knows best for baby'. She's right I suppose. No sooner had I washed my hand and dropped off my milk than Tess says 'you want to hold now mom?"

I think I gasped. Hold her? I haven't held my baby in almost a week. It's been since Sunday afternoon that I have really even been able to touch her. I ask her if that is ok. They've told me no holding, not too much stimulation. Tess tells me she just got done with her feeding and that me holding her will be good for her. It will help her sensory skills and neurons and (mind wanders off into lala land because I am like a kid on Christmas morning suddenly) I think I even clap a little bit. OK! I pray over Cayleigh for a few minutes as Sheila pulls a chair over to me and Tess is pulling the curtains around our little 'room' space. I sit down and I'm just as excited as I can be. I get to HOLD my baby.

Tess asks me to hold her oxygen tube and I do so, I keep it up so the water doesn't flow up (poor sweetheart has had water spray in her nose on a couple occasions) and clip it onto my shirt (actually my bra, it needs to be up high and I'm doing kangaroo cuddling with her but I thought shirt sounded more tactful. If you are wondering why there would be water in the oxygen tube it is because, from my understanding, the oxygen can be very drying to the babies nose. So the water is added so that there is some moisture so as not to dry out her little precious nose too much. It needs to be clipped higher up so that the water doesn't flow up. Make sense? Good. Kangaroo cuddling, if you wonder, is essentially putting nakey baby on your nakey skin. It is also called skin to skin contact. It is essential to the well being of baby and mom. Holding your baby skin to skin is like holding heaven in your arms.

After just a few moments Tess is handing me Cayleigh. Handing me Cayleigh. Did I mention she handed me Cayleigh? There she was, in my hands and I was pulling her head to my chest. Her sweet little arms on me, her little belly against my (not so little) belly. Heaven in my arms. Her warmth. The smell of her head. The sound of her somewhat congested little nose breathing in and out. Her little wiggle. Occasional tense up. Slight movements as she opened her eyes so very wide and attempted to look at me. I just kept kissing her little head. Telling her I loved her so much. Telling her how much I missed her. I think I smelled her head a couple more times before I start reading scriptures & claiming confessions over her. I won't get into all that I said but the entire time I essentially was praying over her, reading God's Word (which we know is the best medicine), claiming God's promises, singing (I was told I sing well. They must not have heard me well over the sound of beeping machines) and just thanking God over and over for this precious time together with my baby girl.

It dawns on me I hadn't held my baby for almost a week. I put my hand on her head and gently squeeze her and tear up a little bit. Tears of joy. My sweet girl. I needed this and I didn't even know it. It was unexpected and yet God knew exactly what I needed. I texted Nic sometime after holding her (about 30 minutes later) and asked if he wanted to switch. Honestly, I didn't want to switch but I wanted to be unselfish. he said he didn't want to overstimulate her. He would hold her later. Enjoy my time with her.

Another 30 minutes went by... praying, singing, talking to her. I just held her close. I thought of nothing else but how good it was to hold my baby in my arms.

Having 3 other children, I don't think I ever once thought twice about scooping my baby up and holding her/him in my arms. I couldn't hold my baby for almost 1/2 of her life so far. Today, I got to hold her. I got to smell her sweet head. I got to touch her skin. Feel her heartbeat. And I sat there, almost an hour, just basking in the Cayleighness that was those 60 minutes. Then, when it dawned on me I needed to give Nic the time with her he needed I called to Tess. I didn't want to because selfishly I wanted the nurses and everyone else to forget we were sitting there together and I just wanted to hold her close.

Tess came over after a little while, she had to feed another baby and check on the small baby next to us who decelerated. I prayed for the baby. I prayed for all the babies. I prayed that the angels of our Lord Jesus Christ would stand guard over this room, over these sweet babies, and that they would protect them from the enemy. Tess took Cayleigh from my arms. Ready? she asked. No, I said very honestly. Yet, I offered my baby to her and fixed my dress. She layed Cayleigh into her little plastic tub and I noticed that the nasal cannalus had left a red mark indentation on the left side of her face that was pushed against my skin. I felt bad for a moment but realized it must not have hurt her. She was totally peaceful. I'm sure my skin cushioned it a bit for her :)

Tess pulled the sides of her crib up and had to go tend to the little baby again. She left the top open and so I walked to Cayleighs crib. I prayed over her. Touched her sweet face. Stroked her sweet little head. Kissed my figers and put them on her forehead. My sweet Cayleigh, mommy loves you. Daddy will be up soon.

I left, telling everyone goodbye and thanked them for taking care of our baby. Nic will be up soon I tell them. I walk down the long NICU hall, leave the doors and make my way to the elevator. Nic looks slightly irritated. It's been almost 2 hours he says. I apologize. I hadn't realized how long it had been. Juliette is hiding. Obviously restless. I tell him to take his time. I'm going to take her outside for a walk. He heads upstairs and Juliette and I make our way outside. We walk to the main building so I can show her the cool fountain inside. When we get in the doors the desk asks where we are headed so we can get badges. I tell the woman we are just going to the fountain less than 100 feet away. She says ok. We get closer and I realize the fountain isn't on. There are a ton of people in the area and Juliette stands close to me. Three mechanic people are working on the fountain. I tell Juliette its not working today. They look at us and tell us it will be working by tomorrow. Ok, maybe we'll see it another day. Juliette says ok then sees the gift shop and wants to run to it. I tell her no. She is reluctant but we head back outside to walk the little 'wall' that is more like a cement wall that runs parallel to the walkway. She walks on it, 'balancing' with her arms out, grabbing my hand every so often with a 'whoooaaa'. She's a silly girl. She tells me she is still my baby but that she is also Nonny's monkey. I tell her ok.

Then it comes..again. She asks me when she will get to see the baby. I tell her soon. I am so very tired of answering questions like this from the kids. It doesn't get any easier. When I first got home I think everyone had 'taught' them not to say anything about it. I was very emotional. I don't think it's any easier now but I'm getting through it through the strength of God and that's the truth.

We head back to the Pavillion and Daddy is done. He had a short visit but says he will get to hold her tonight. I apologize for holding her for so long. Inside, I'm not really regretful at all but I do wish he could have held her too. I didn't want to put her down. Maybe we could hold her together or something. I'm sure it can be done. lol

We leave the hospital and head home. Shortly after dinner tonight Nic headed up to hospital solo. He needed his daddy time and I stayed with the kids. Deep down, I was jealous. I prayed alot about it. I just wanted to see her too..even if I didn't get to hold her I just wanted to look at her. To be in her presence. She's my sunshine, after all.


I am physically very tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I think of not much else besides my Cayleigh. I want her home. I want her healthy. I just want her. Yet, I get through it all. I try to be the best mom that I can be. I try to be the best wife I can be. It's very hard, but it is possible. By nothing but the strength of Jesus Christ and His incredible grace have I been able to get through all of this so far. This has been a true test of faith. It's a journey we're still on and will be on until God's timing. Everything is in His timing and not ours. I accepted that soon after her birth and am just thankful that He is in control. She is, after all, His. I know His will is the perfect plan for her and Nic & I are just happy to be included in that plan. She is a good and perfect gift - and as we all know, every good and perfect thing is a gift from the Father above.

Thank you to everyone who keeps praying for her. Please don't ever stop. We pray right now that she will have no more A's & D's. No more reflux. Only normal blood tests. We pray that the doctors and nurses will find wisdom through the Lord who guides them. We pray the UCSF is able to figure out what is ailing her quickly so she can be home quickly. and we really, really pray the she starts to Swallow/Suck and have Gag reflex.

Please also pray for the kids and Nic & I. For strength, sustaining, patience, peace and health.

I'm attaching some pictures from when I visited with her earlier. Yes, I played Photoshop..but I'm killing time until my hubby is home. Enjoy & God Bless. PS If you have little ones, hold them closer, remember to smell their hair and skin, feel the warmth of their hugs and just be appreciative of every moment you get with them. You are blessed.